Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Boxer

As I was taking a taxi from PHL to my hotel on Monday, I happened to look down at the hack's license and just smiled. Well.....smiled and took out my iPhone.

While he had your regular cab driver abilities of getting me there relatively quick and almost in one piece, none of his skills seemed to be thwarted by that idiopathic Parkinson's disease people keep talking about.

Well, if his bouts with Joe Fraizer didn't pay the bills, I at least tipped him 20%.

Song by: Simon & Garfunkel

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Streets of Philadelphia

I'd like to say I have something important to say, but I do not.

I'm in Philly - again. Two plus days with back to back meetings. Seriously 7:30- 6:45p, then dinner with work folks. So it's really until 10p and then we start it all over again on Wednesday.

So I most likely will not have anything to report tomorrow either.

I've been to Philly a lot lately. I have yet to even gander at Independence Hall or the likes. Airport to cab to hotel to office - or some such order of this.

It's like Ohio. Grey, pseudo-cold and rainy. It seems colder due to the rain than it actually is.

I brought work-out clothes, but we'll see. It might be nice to sleep in a little where I have the entire bed to myself. No offense to Denton, he doesn't squeeze me out of the bed, but those two cats can push around a 187 pound man like no one's business. And yes, it pains me to not type 184.

I'll work on that upon my return.

Song by: Bruce Springsteen

Monday, March 29, 2010

We Hide & Seek

So things happen when the gang gets together anymore. We're older and have responsibilities and our together-time changes. We don't stay up as late, we don't drink as much and we have kids or pets that alter our schedules. It's just all about working with the circumstances.

Take this last Saturday. Morty and I had already done our hour of spinning and the girls were getting cabin fever, just sitting around yakking and knitting. They wanted to get out. And Ripley needed a walk, but it doesn't really take four folks to walk a dog, does it?

But what if you threw something else in the mix to make it more interesting? Geocaching.

As the sight says: Geocaching is a high-tech treasure hunting game played throughout the world by adventure seekers equipped with GPS devices. The basic idea is to locate hidden containers, called geocaches, outdoors and then share your experiences online.
Admittedly, until the day before, I had never even heard of this 'phenomenon'. Clearly, everyone else has. And when I say "everyone", I mean the house-guests and Denton. Probably Ripley too.

The ravine right next to our house apparently has dozens of Geocached treasures. And of course I mean, film-like canisters with a log to sign your name...and possibly a trinket inside. But the ravine, especially this time of year, is treacherous to maneuver without falling 40-80 feet to your death. Hardly worth it.

But Lake View Cemetery also has a quite a few as well, they are pet-friendly and about two miles from the house. Away we went.

I can't say we were horribly successful. I mean, if it were a math test, we would have gotten a 20-25%. I base this on that we looked for four or five hidden gems and found but one.

Here is Mort digging into, what I think was not so much a drainage pipe, but some kind of water supply to keep the grass green. However, it was filled with melted snow and leaves. But being committed to the search, he dug in.

This was our last attempt and only success. Becky found the peanut butter canister wrapped in camouflage duct tape. In it were a few plastic army men and the log. Becca left her RTA pass in there as some kind of pay-it-forward gift.

I hate to say it, but when I was originally told about Geocache the day before, the idea seemed somewhat lame. But you know, anything that gets you outdoors and stimulates the brain isn't all bad. I think it really should be done with friends and not in some weird Ted Kaczynski kind of way. There is always something to be said for competition.

That being said, naturally we Morty came up with the idea that we should hide something ourselves, instead of just searching them out. To be a community, it can't be all seekers, someone has to do the hiding - am I right?

So Mort thought it would be funny to get one of those cans of mixed nuts that has springy snakes that shoot out of the can when you open them. I don't think anyone truly convinced anyone that we'd be the first people to think of it......but it got a kind of laugh. ....and then we went and bought a few cans of mixed nuts that has springy snakes in them. I think Becca has them all and she'll put camo duct tape on them and stash them out in the showiness of nature.

I actually had fun doing this, but knowing my behaviour, it could be a bit time consuming and I don't have a lot of time to obsess about this - as my obsession schedule is already quite booked.

Song by: Alison Krauss + Union Station

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Gone Gone Gone (Done Moved On)

Our weekend guests are gone. Sad but true.

We had a few people you guys might often read about here for the last few days: Morty, Rebecca and Meredith. And Ripley. Unfortunately, Jon, George and Andrew could not make it.

I love 'em to death, but thank g-d they are gone. Kidding. Well, kind of.

The thing is, Denton and I feel the need to kind of always entertain and be "on". ...and that just is harder to pull off in our old age. It's exhausting. The joke is, these guys have known us forever and don't need us to entertain them and be "on". They are (and we are) happy as-is.

I really do kid about them being gone. It is great to see them and we never do it enough. I (not even we) see one or two of them one or two times per year, but as a group, we find it harder and harder to congregate all at once, and all in one place. Adulthood sucks! We do it more like every 3-4 years.

I would say we did nothing out of the ordinary, but that's not quite true, but I'll probably save that for a post tomorrow. I'm already late getting this one published.

We did cook, eat and drink a bunch, but not to excess. Well, not to our standards of excess. To anyone else, possibly. Our garbage on Wednesday is going to have lots of bottles clinking as we get them to the end of the driveway.

We also watched Superbad, because Becky had never seen it. It is still hilarious.

But now they are gone and it is grey and raining. Maybe it's a sign that we are all sad to not be together. Or maybe it has to do with evaporation and the weighing down of clouds until the let loose with precipitation.

I will say this, the cats are not completely sad that everyone has left the building. Like clockwork (I'm told), they showed up about one minute after the door closed when I went to take Becky to the airport and Meredity left with Ripley (which is her big black lovable pooch). The cats do not take kindly to doggies, as they have just not been exposed to them very much. But they are grateful to have their kingdom back.

So Denton and I have agreed when I returned from the airport, we just have to make a greater effort to see all these guys, individually or as a group.

Song by: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Waste a Little Time on Me

Sorry to do this to you, in a way. As I said, I have a houseful of guests and not a lot of time to draft a good post between eating, drinking, talking, drinking, Spinning and, well.....drinking. My days are very full.

But yesterday I mentioned the David Letterman Film Festival. The man had two of them, that I remember and they were like 20+ years ago. But the PMS film I referenced yesterday was still my favouritest short film they did.

This was the second. Angst on a Shoestring, starring Bette Midler.

It's a shame the intro interview to the film wasn't included. Letterman and Midler were quite funny as I recall. And I have great recall. Somewhere in this house we also have the VHS (yes, VHS! - not that we have anything to play it on) with the entire Letterman episode on it.

I'll try to fill you in about the weekend in another post. But I gotta eat a little something before I take Morty spinning......and then drinking.

Song by: the Michael Stanley Band

Friday, March 26, 2010

(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman

We have a houseguest this weekend. Well, more than one. But I'm speaking here of one in particular.

And if this doesn't sum up how the weekend will go, I'm not sure what will.

Having four sisters, I know all about the salty and sweet, boozy and napkin-y attributes that make up this time of the month. You just have to know how to off-set the loony times.

The David Letterman Film Festival entry, PMS, said, "alcohol helps takes the edge off". I know it does for somethings, but I cannot truly confirm or deny the PMS attribute. Ladies, any thoughts on this?

But to start off our weekend, which kind of began Thursday, we went out to the Grotto, where I am still the number one customer. It was a nice time with some wine and beer and food, of course.

It's a bummer I have to work today, but two of the gang can have fun while I toil away and then others will join later in the day.

Song by: Carole King

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Day Tripper

In some ways I like day trips. Out in the morning, back in the evening and I get to sleep in my own bed.

And then some days, it just annoys the ever living shit out of me. It is probably not so much the in and out (that's what she said) the same day, sometimes the tribulations of travel I let get to me.

Take yesterday. To save $600 on a flight, I went out of Akron, instead of Cleveland. It meant being in my car at 05:00 - which isn't too bad, since I do that for the gym anyway. But I did have to drive an hour to the airport, as opposed to the normal 20 minutes. And I had to do it in heavy fog that left you with about 10 ft visibility. But I soldiered on.

Then I get through the slowest security line ever and had to hear a man argue with TSA about bringing a golf club through security as a carry on. A 7 iron perhaps? But I can see the TSAs point - it could do some damage to a cockpit door if one so intended.

And then the plane was late in boarding. It had no power. How is this possible? They had to find - get this - something to plug the plane into. Twice. Are airplanes the new electric car? Clearly, I know less about aeronautics than I do about automobiles. When they let up finally on, the temp was about 37 degrees, well, because the plane had no power.

Oh - and all the delays (there were two others), got me to my meeting in Philadelphia two minutes late. I was scheduled to be there over an hour early. The best laid plans.

But there's more. You knew there would be - right?

I took a cab from airport to client meeting - and yes, the driver smelled. Oh, he smelled soooo badly. Breathing through my mouth for 32 minutes, badly - not that I timed it (though I totally did!). And about three-quarters the way through my four hour meeting, I realized I had this cabbies stench on me. Blech!

At least I got a ride back to the airport by a colleague. But the Philadelphia airport really is for shit. It makes O'Hare look good. The lines, the terminals that you have to take buses to and said buses sit and wait on the taxi way for planes go to and fro - because clearly they have the right of way. How fucked up is that? Build connectors, people!!!!!

But it was 12 hours out of my life - start to finish. And I'm home. For four days.

Song by: the Beatles

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Record of the Month

I figured I'd do a monthly 'what I'm listening to' kind of thing. This could be viewed as a lame placeholder kind of post. And probably it is. But it's my blog! So there!

David Broza collaborates on Townes Van Sandt's final set of lyrics, what could possibly go wrong, right? Well, Night Dawn - the Unpublished Poetry of Townes Van Sandt pretty much answers that question.

Broza is an incredible Israeli guitarist/singer and I've been a fan for two decades. I even made him one of my Classic records of the month a little while back.

Van Sandt was an outstanding songwriter - some of his stuff you might know, mostly through other artists ("Poncho & Lefty" - anyone? anyone??), though he did do recordings himself.

Van Sandt left behind a number of unfinished songs when he died. Lyrics, actually. Poems. Through the grace of Van Sandt's widow, Broza was allowed to compose the music for these and perform them. And it's been forever since Broza has put out an English sung album. Mostly they are in Hebrew or Spanish (both of which I love, but......).

The unfortunate thing is, I don't think it is Towne's lyrics that are the problem. I think it is Broza's music, or at least his arrangements.

I have to use "Holes in my Sole" as the example. It being the longest piece on the disk, it is arguably the centerpiece. Broza's guitar work is exemplary. The first minute of music is incredible and then for the next three and a half the music and lyrics go in a blues mode, which I like very much. Then it all falls apart. For the next two plus minutes, it goes into a Johnny Cash like railroad song. WTF? I still play the song, but I hit the skip button at the 4:18 mark or so.

Badly arranged backing vocals ("Night Dawn" - which makes it sound like bad Pips now and again) don't help matters.

There are no denying Broza's guitar skills ("Carolina", "The Deer", "Holes in my Sole", "Too Old to Die Young"), he is incredible, but he has got to do better in the arrangement category.

Night Dawn isn't without some rays of hope. I do like "Harms Swift Way" and "Soul to Soul", as they are the stand-out cuts here.

It pains to me say that this isn't better, but it isn't.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Everything Counts

I finally got around to filling out that 2010 Census.

It's not like it took too much time and effort, and yes I actually did it a few days ago, but just getting around to blogging about it now.

Ok, that's a lie. I drafted the post days ago but had other things to publish first, so, this is just stock blog info. There - happy now???

I have to say, I'm amazed at the number of television ads that are out there for census information - that it is coming and why to do complete it. I'm not sure the demographic they are actually targeting, but these ads seem to speak to most of the people who would already comply with request.

Of course, I'm seeing this through the eyes of a white male.

The underserved are not looking at these ads, in my opinion, and saying, "hey! they're talking about me!"

And neither are those frickin tea-baggers. Those putzes, storming the Capitol and talking assassination threats against those they don't like: homos, people of colour, democrats! Basically anyone who is not them. I suppose they think the government is trying to getting all this information on their bidness to spy on them with this info.

Actually, I hope they don't fill it out. Let them lose representation and funds. Fine by me.

It’s estimated that Ohio could lose $12,000 per person over the next ten years for each Ohioan not counted in the Census. That means if we have just a 2 percent undercount from the last census, our state could lose $2.7 billion in critical funds from the federal government over the next ten years. If we experience a 5 percent undercount, that total value of lost federal funds would increase to $6.8 billion.Cuyahoga County alone represents over $334M and $836M respectively. It must be true, Sherrod Brown told me so.

Personally, I can easily see at least 5% of our county not completing this. Easily easily.

As for over the next ten years, hell, who even knows if we'll still be in this state in 2020? At this rate, Ohio might just padlock the gate at the border after everyone has left. But we'll be that much closer to "retirement" (not that that will truly happen) and I am not sure Cleveburgh is where I want to spend my final ambulatory years.

For a split second, I thought it would be fun to say I spend part of my time 'in jail or prison', but who needs that karma to come around and tap me on the shoulder?

Since this time, I filled out the census, I marked that we were same-sex unmarried partners. In 2000 Mr. Partner did not do that - as I don't think he wanted the government getting all up in our bidness.

....and no, he's not a tea-bagger.

Song by: Depeche Mode

Monday, March 22, 2010

Female of the Species

I thought about calling this post Shopping with Blobby's Site of the Month.

It does not fit into one convenient category which I already have as a standard monthly post, so it's just going out there on its own.

And I've already done my SotM and my Shopping segment for March, and I just didn't want to hold off until April to get post this. You know with my track record, it will look like I'm jumping on the bandwagon instead of leading it. Not this time, baby! Not this time!

First off, I did not find this on my own. A reader tipped me off to this "product", but I'm not allowed to use his or her name (ok ok, it's a him) for fear of.......of........heck, I don't know of what. I'm not all that afraid, just respecting limits. I know, right???

First off, you have to click on the link. You HAVE to! And where something in the lower right corner will say 'skip intro' - DO.NOT.SKIP.INTRO. You must watch. Oh, and while it's not horribly suitable for work, it's possible you might want to watch at home - not so much the intro, but what comes after it.

Ok. I'll wait.

dum dee dum dee dee (repeat 12x)

Ok - are you back? Did you get to this yet?

Sooooo many ways to go with this and I don't know where to start! But let's go with, that it is vaginal scented roll-on !!!!!!!!! (and do you think the chick above called home and said, "hey mom, dad - I got a modeling job!!!! ?)

That's probably the big pink elephant in the room - and I "hear" it's all pink on the inside.

And judging by where Carol Marol is holding "the product", I'm not 100% sure where one is supposed to roll it on. Wrists? Underarms? Cooz (which is the same as Ziz or Bajingo)? "They" claim it's not perfume. I guess it's just for sniff-freaks.

Clearly, the video guy was all about it being on the bike seat. Trust me, I'll never ever ever Spin again without flashing on this. EVER!

I was going to start talking about the opening video first. Since I didn't know what I was in for, or what the link was to, I wasn't quite sure what I was seeing - with the angles and sweat. And even when I figgered it out, I still wasn't sure where they were going with it.

Here's what I do know: that video guy is no more interested in that smell than most of my readers, mostly of whom are gay - just like that guy is.

Q.U.E.E.R., he is. He's not even 'queer' with a capital Q - all of the letters must be upper cased for her him.

By this point, you were probably thinking you've been spared a lame joke on 'smells like fish' or 'tastes like chicken', but I just unspared you. There it is/was. Just be thankful that in that opening video, no one ran a finger under that guy's nose. Yeah - you know what I'm talkin' about, guys.

Oh - and how could I not use the title image? I've been holding onto that for over a year now. Patience pays off - finally!!! Granted, it doesn't say MULVA, but it is as close as the Ohio DMV is going to allow.

Song by: Space

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Poet Game

I am not sure he'll be a happy man about this, but one of my favourite bloggers who went silent running about 18 months ago, has resurfaced, and just as silently.

RJ March and I had off-line discussions, upon Collide/Connect being shut down, in which he insinuated he might come back in another form, most likely unannounced. And this is exactly what he has done. Bastard! : )

It sounds weird and stalker-like, but RJ was a frequent commenter on my blog and me on his. We had just as many email exchanges and there were a few too many ways in which we were alike. I don't think it was creepy, but for an outsider, I could see where others might.

When he went silent on his blog, he went silent on my blog. Bummer. I totally missed (and miss) that. Maybe he still reads me. Maybe not.

But he's back. Not in tales of life, per se, but in the form of poetry. I suppose those are or could be tales of life - or sometimes they are just words strung together.

I welcome him back to my blogroll - whether he knows I have put him there or not. Read him if you like. He is an intelligent man and a very good writer.

I leave you with the link to poetry under the influence.

Song by: Ani DiFranco

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Barstool Blues

Ugh - last night I went to G2H2. It's been a while since I've been to one, and the weather was nice and I was already why not?

I'll tell you why not - and I won't remember this come next time I decide to go: it can be just like any other gay bar event - or high school. Or both. Cliques galore. And I'm always at the nerd table.

The place was pretty anemic when I got there and it was Mardi Gras themed. Wasn't Mardi Gras a month ago?? Lame.

The placed filled up, but I still didn't know more than three people - and they all knew a hundred other folks, so why would they talk with me? Sad. ....mostly for me.

It shouldn't bother me, but it kind of does. And since I knew I was going to Spin early, there was no way I was staying and getting drunk, which would have been the easy way out - you know, like my 20s and 30s.

I'm saving my to get my drunk on until next week, when Morty, Dith and Becca are here. We'll just do it here, so we don't need a designated driver. And while they judge me (no, it's true),

I can take their criticism. And unlike the gay-event, it won't be a Girl Drink Drunk episode come to life.

Song by: Maria McKee

Friday, March 19, 2010

Eight Easy Steps

I had started to draft a post and then opted to just do a video one instead. One take. That's it.

Maybe I should go for perfection, but that's overrated. One take. That's it.

I should note, when I talk about the troops coming home and then say 'let them fend for themselves', I meant Iraq and Afghanistan. I didn't mean the troops themselves. But I did it in one take and I wasn't about to go and reshoot and not feel spontaneous. That's it.

Song by: Alanis Morissette

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Man Smart, Woman Smarter

Sorry for the late launch, this a.m. Usually there is a post waiting for you, but I had a travel-work day yesterday that lasted a lot longer than anticipated. I was out the door at 06:00 and home at 23:15.

I could have been home at least three hours earlier, but I stopped off in Columbus, my old stomping grounds, to have dinner with my friend Phyllis. Sorry Mort. Sorry Dith. Sorry Tom G. I could have called, but I'll be seeing most of you next week and I had not seen Phyllis for at least a year.

On a whim, as I was leaving my client, I called Phyllis and axed her if she wanted to go meet for dinner and she readily accepted. I was still and hour away, so she had time to get ready. And we went to Cap City diner, mainly for two reasons: it was right off the freeway and it has Maytag Blue Cheese Potato Chips.

Ok, I picked it for one reason - and it wasn't the off-ramp access.

Damn, I love those chips. Too much.

But I love Phyllis too. She is not only my friend, but was my boss for a bit. One that I stayed in touch with over the last 20-21 years. It is safe to say she was my first professional mentor. I really enjoy working with smart people and she is one of them. And she's funny and personable.

I started thinking about it on my way home, that I've had a few really impressionable bosses over the years - and just as many non. But four of the five have been women. Maybe it's my gayness that makes me bond with them, or maybe it's just that they are smarter.

Phyllis helped develop me. Clint (not a woman), truly gave me opportunities and challenges, but he also showed me how not to act - by his example mostly. Heather, whom I still see every day I work out, gave me lots of room to do my own thing and was wicked street smart. Nancy, is possibly the smartest person I know and used to be Clint's and Heather's boss - so she helped bring me along. Then there was Sue, who like Clint, is what you do not want to be in life. But at least she taught me that.

But our little dinner last night lasted 3 hours!!! It was nothing about work and all about our families. I've seen her kids from kindergarten through college (oy!) and her husband through his heart attack. As always, it was fun and way too short, but I had a 2.5 hour drive ahead of me. I had to scoot.

And then this morning, I missed my 05:30 workout call due to being sleepy. But I got my ass there by 6:30 so I could work off those chips. I've added some new ab routines and I am HURTING!

Song by: the Grateful Dead

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Both Sides Now

Monday night, I went to see David Gergen speak at a Cleveland State Town Hall series. I've written over the last 2-3 years about attending a number of these and so far have only been disappointed once. Monday was not one of these disappointments.

Overall, I'm a big fan of Mr. Gergen. He's reasonably well spoken and educated. He has a plethora of experience behind what he says and does, and even though he's only worked for one democratic president (Clinton), and three republicans (Nixon, Ford, Reagan), he comes across as fairly non-partisan. I'm sure has a side, but he hides it better than others.

The topic was to be Re-calibrating U.S. Policies and for the most part he stayed on task. He started out with some anecdotes on how he came to work for his first White House (Nixon) but for the most part kept current with Obama and his administration - and the surrounding climate.

I can say the lecture was better than the following Q&A, but there was some harsh realities and yet some rays of hope in there as well.

After his anecdotes, Gergen went into how the U.S. is in decline and has been for quite some time. He talked about this being the time of Asia - and how not only will they be at the table (China expected to pass the U.S economically in 2027 and Japan doing the same by 2050), it is where at the table would the U.S. be in the future - if at all!

He talked about the collapse of empires and it is never a question of 'if' but a question of 'when'. And how quickly it all happens.

Overall, he thinks Obama is doing a good job, but not a great one. He clearly thinks Obama does better with foreign policy than domestic issues - and he's right. But he also thinks that Obama was dealt a very very bad deck and he's doing what he can - to a degree. Gergen attributes Obama's foreign successes to the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Robert Gates, but attributes Barack's willingness to keep them in place upon the transition from Bush.

I agree with Gergen that Obama needs to hit the reset button and lose some cabinet and staff member and change things up, if he wants to salvage his presidency, let alone extend it. I also agree that he needs to get some advisers that are or were CEOs. Obama currently has zero. Almost all other leaders have had a number on hand as a resource.

Gergen clearly sees the issues with politics today not being what it was. You could brand him an old coot for saying the Boomers ruined politics, but he's probably correct. We are a nation of selfish folks who have had a number of things handed to us.

He said the post WWII era saw such horrific things that even in their disagreements, at 5pm, they'd sit down with a drink and talk. That is no longer the case and no one leaves any room for compromise.

He knows media is a factor as well - that they all have the far left and rights on each show and there is no civility and no chance at true discussion. He knows media doesn't see that as good TV, when in fact it true dialogue would be GREAT TV (my thought not Gergen's). For the times I've seen him on CNN and MSNBC, Gergen has always been the voice of reason - not that anyone wants to hear that (allegedly).

One thing Gergen talked about was that at this stage, politicians were not going to make a difference. He thinks it next to impossible in this climate. He thinks it has to be brought upon by the individuals, but he didn't go so far to say things like the 'tea-bag' stuff. He expounded on volunteering and actually - social media.

He went on at length that Obama's campaign really grew via social media sites. I don't remember this being a big factor, but I was a Hillary man, to be honest. I still use Howard Dean as that starter of this with his fund-raising, though in 2004, Facebook and Twitter weren't truly around for change.

It did get me thinking, if a billion morons tried to something other than get Betty White on SNL (really, what the fuck was that about???), and actually focused on something that mattered, maybe, just maybe there would be change.

One other thing he said, but never truly implied or inferred it (or did he?) was the one and only time things in our nation were this contentious, there was a Civil War. He just left it at that.

Save the last paragraph, I'm not sure Gergen told much of the audience anything they didn't know, but the insider insight was nice. And it was nice to hear with out having to pick pieces parts out of between another screaming guest of host - and have someone be able to finish their thoughts.

I like to think I came away a bit more informed, but then I heard the mature women in front of me saying "oh, I never see him on CNN, my TV never leaves FOX!".

Honey, why are you here then?, is what I wanted to say. You're clearly not open to new ideas and have a myopic view of the political world. I'd rather you be a shut in than spew your on-sided vile everywhere.

I swear that old battle-ax almost ruined the evening for me.

Song by: Joni Mitchell

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Shopping with Blobby

Yet another installment in the drudgery that is everyday shopping. The camera-phone makes it a bit more fun - though I get looks whenever I take pics of products. Like I care what people think!

You know, I think I should just retitle this blog thingy. Once again, I'm giving credit to my cousin, David. He may as well just start getting co-author credit.

Let's start out that we were at brunch on Sunday with a few of the cousins and David's mother, and while I'm not willing to write about that, at some point during the meal, David brought up the question of if "Ned" had a glass eye or glass testicle (btw, turns out it was an eye). real testicles aren't fragile enough, I'd want one made out of glass? Je don't think so.

Not to be dissuaded, David assured me they made fake testicle for dogs who to tutored.

Not being able to leave that one alone, I made a comment about how if he didn't know the difference between the two, he might have bigger issues. I don't remember David disagreeing with me.

Sure enough, not that long after brunch, I got a link to this: Neuticles.

Somewhere in the text is the phrase 'silicone blobs'. I'm real and I'm fabulous.

So if you become castrated or lose a nut, you can get a replacement - for you or your pooch. Or you can order them for a key fob. David is all about the key fob.

I've already had a hydrocele repair two decades ago. One is already smaller, I don't need to have one hanging from my key chain. But don't let me stop you from purchasing one......or two.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Man-Sized Wreath

I don't really care if you care about Obama and what he's doing (or possibly not) for the economy. That's not really the point for this post, nor do I think little old me is going to change your mind one way or the other on this matter anyhow.

I'm a bit annoyed at bad word-play in newspaper headlines - like 'Coffee Manufacturers Brew About Tariff Costs'...or something similar to that crud.

And as backwards as Ypsilanti Echo might be, no one is fooling me that they don't have editors that didn't purposefully let this slide.

I mean for g-d's sake, in the first two paragraphs alone Tom Brandt uses the words or phrases: 'sparing the rod', 'raise the membership', and 'congressional muscle'.

That doesn't include 'rammed through', 'bulging', 'swollen' and 'jacked up'.

If you want to know whatever happened to "journalism", I think we just found out.

Song by: R.E.M.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Turning Up the Heat

Yesterday was my first true foray into getting back into Spin with Andy. Yeah, I went for a partial session the other week and then a full session last week, but the instructor for that 60 minutes was not Dr. Andy.

Andy is tougher than the other dude, whom I've seen but never did catch his name. I mean, he opted to wear a fanny pack during our "ride". People, these are stationary bikes. He wasn't going to need his wallet, chapstick or EuroRail card. He (the other guy, not Andy), had us do this mock drill like we were riding the Tour de France. Puh-leese! a group, we totally won the race!

But for all my whining about that guy, he did have us do a few drills that were good and different, and while I loathe to admit it, every now and again, change is good. Sure it goes outside of my patterns that I've established for comfort levels, but..............

Yesterday though - can I say, even though it was a tough class, it wasn't the toughest. Can I also tell you, I have never sweated so much in my life. I've probably been hotter, but not during exercise.

I was wearing a white sweat-wicking shirt and in theory you shouldn't really see the dampness, but there was no hiding it. And peeling that shirt off after class was a chore.

Oh, and I did step back on the scale yesterday too. After the other week and that 6 lb weight gain, I wasn't sure if I was up for the challenge, but it's better to know than bury my head, I suppose.

Mr. Scale says I lost 3 lbs. As much as I would like to believe that I lost it, I suppose the gain might have been a blip or a scale malfunction. I just have never lost 3 lbs in two weeks. Either way, I'm still above the weight I had once fallen to, but I'll get there. (and speaking of weight - today is Pi(e) Day. Well, it is at 1:59. And apparently, it is also Steak and a BJ day too. I'm sure you all wanted to know.)

So, I'm back to Spinning. And it's time for me to get the regular biked serviced so it's all ready to go once the weather is a little warmer.

Song by: Any Trouble

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Candy Everybody Wants

I was happy to see all of your positive comments (well, not Jon's) on my 12 for 12 segment, I had a lot of fun doing it. Admittedly today, I got zilch. I mean, you'll get a video and a funny one at that - if not slightly inappropriate.

But I'm nothing if not a slightly inappropriate.

I originally saw it on Gay Logo TV and it was funny. It still is. You might remember the "dad" from Queer as Fuck Folk.

It's all I currently have - so I hope you enjoy it. It's not like Saturday's are my highest volume day anyway. (sorry about the poor quality, the good one is now a pay feature - and I don't pay for most stuff.)

Song by: 10,000 Maniacs

Friday, March 12, 2010

12 of 12

Ok, I think I need one more placeholder for a regular monthly post. I have my Records of the Month - Classic and New. I have Shopping with Blobby. I have my Site of the Month.

So now I'm attempting 12 of 12. I'm stealing from Tornwordo, Kelly and a few others who do or attempt this.

If there are formal rules, I don't know them. I assume you should be taking these on the 12th, but that's not going to happen. I will take them on the 11th and post them on the 12th. Deal with it!!!! Or what if you're supposed to take them on the 12th and post them on the 13th?

Fuck it - there's no governing body who's going to sanction me - right? So without further ado:

05:35. My gym locker. The good clothes are hanged up elsewhere, since there isn't enough room here. My shower stuff, boxer briefs, socks and stuff are just shoved in here along with my ring, wallet, keys and iPhone.

Euclid Avenue at 07:15. It was only 49 degrees out, but hell, that's a frickin' heatwave in Cleveland - let alone in March. So yeah, I cracked Viggo's moon room. While sitting at a light, I turned and snapped part of Severance Hall - home of the Cleveland Orchestra and possibly one of the most acoustically perfect performance centers. You might know it from some European building in Air Force One.

07:30. This is the floor of the lobby at my office building. Hideous, no? Dated, yes? Believe it or not it is not 1984. And to add insult to injury? This is brand-spanking new! They just ripped up an all marble floor and installed this shit. It is rough and looks dirty enough though it is not. Total FAIL!

This is the view from my office. Looking right down East 9th St - South. Purdy.

11:30. This is what "husky" men eat for lunch: Salad (say it like Spongebob). Saaaal-add. It has low fat citrus vinaigrette . The fixin's are egg whites, broccoli, cucumbers, tri-colored peppers and onion.

12:15. Ralph Perk park. Ralph used to be mayor of Cleveland. People still remember the Cuyahoga River catching on fire. Some of us older folk might remember Ralph setting his own hair on fire. The park itself was a horrible design where the homeless could hide in corners and dips that were built into the park. It was scary during the daylight hours. At night, a year ago, it became the site of an execution style killing - four men having two others kneel in the park and shot them - one died. Since then, the park is under major renovation - as you can kind of see.

12:20. On the way to a client, I passed Jacob's Progressive Field. Opening day is only a few weeks away. I'm so excited. No leaves or even buds on the trees - so it still looks Winter-y here, even though it was in the mid-60s by this time.

This is Viggo's center counsel. You can see I have in a CD and am on track 8, and it is 4:01 into the song. I don't have a fancy-pants stereo system that can play .mp3s or one that is sophisticated enough to tell you the track title or artist. Viggo pre-dates that technology.

This is me, driving down I-77 at around 70mph Let's see. Where was I again?

Ok. I didn't really go in, but I saw it and stopped for the picture. I was hoping it would say Girls Girls Girls and Beer. But it didn't. Of course, I immediately thought of Stewie Griffin going in and asking, "is there anyone here who hasn't had a c-section?" Should I bother to mention that at 16:30 when this pic was taken, there was not one empty parking space to be had. A bunch of someones were getting their lap-dance on.

The day ain't over though. I came home at 18:30 and made salsa, but not for myself. Denton has a pot-luck today and needed to bring something, but was totally unprepared. So, being the great guy that I am, I came home and made it. Honestly, it looks better than this picture.

19:00 - it's time to hang with my girl. You guys see a lot more of Sophie in this blog than you do of Tovah. She's a pretty girl, no? And she loves her dad. Me, that is.

That's it. My inaugural 12 of 12. Let's see how it goes.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Record of the Month - Classic

Another installment of a disk I have enjoyed over the years. I'm trying to keep the Record of the Month posts to be fairly new releases. Classics are going to be ones that are at least 5 years old.

I think I own most of kd lang's albums, and while she clearly has an incredible voice, I find her Shadowland disk to be her strongest of the lot.

Released in 1988, I first heard her cut "Black Coffee" off of Reprise's Just Say Yo compilation disk and I went out and got what was her second album - and one that was expertly produced by Owen Bradley, who furthered or helped create the careers of Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn, Brenda Lee, etc.

For all it's twang, it is still an extremely lush recording - see "Black Coffee". Bradley and lang struck gold with this collaboration, and I don't think she matched

The disk opens with a cover of Chris Isaak's "Western Stars", which is just flawless and way better than his version. And then each of the other 11 songs make Shadowland a winner - even if it only about 34 minutes long.

For me, the highlight immediately became "Don't Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes". The pace, the phrasing.....the breathing technique it takes to sing along......and I do. You know I do.

Shadowland is totally worth looking into.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

In My Car (I'll Be the Driver)

I was told I didn't have to give credit, but I would be remiss if I didn't mention my cousin David actually sent me this story. ...and yes, he knows I'm using it, or was at least planning to. And he might read it too, since Denton outed me last weekend as a blogger.

I'm not sure why I even care, but I have an easier time of virtual strangers reading about my ramblings of life than people I know (of course Becca, Morty, Jon and Dith excluded). Denton barely reads my blog. His excuse is: he has to live it. Fair enough.

But David claims to dig it, and that makes me feel good. You know I'm alllll about the validation. It is possible some opinions mean more to me than others. I'm just sayin'.........

Anyways, back to the post.

You know I love stories of the absurd and this one doesn't fail to disappoint. This one has everything: the causeway to Key West, an ex-husband, a new boyfriend, a moving vehicle, DUIs, suspended licenses, and a very steady hand - and spread legs. And a ziz, of course.

I'm not a big ziz fan. No, really, it's true. But I'm thinking the only thing that would make the story better is if she were waxing, and downshifting. At the same time.

If convicted, she might get a year in the clink (Hoooogan!)

Song by: Shania Twain

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

About a Boy

I'm not like my other friends. Shocking!

They are voracious readers, mostly of novels. I've always had a tough time getting into most novels, most likely because I choose poorly when it comes to them. Just ask my friends - I don't see them letting me pick a book any time soon for our off-again/off-again (no, not a typo) book club.

Last time, my selection was A Dive From Clausen's Pier. I blame Terry Gross for making even bad books and authors sound interesting. I can't even tell you how many books I've bought from listening to Fresh Air - and so far I have yet to be remotely thrilled with any of them. My friends rightfully slammed me for my choice. I don't think we've had a joint book read since. It was that bad.

Because of my bad choices - and this has been a life-long pattern, by the way - anymore I normally stick to history, memoirs, biographies and auto-biographies. You can't go wrong reading seven books about Patty Hearst, Mount Everest or the Vietnam War, can you?

So I just finished reading Patti Smith's book - Just Kids.

Not an auto-biography, not quite a memoir. It centers as a telling of her relationship with Robert Mapplethorpe. She strays a little off the direct relationship here and there, but she always brings it around quite nicely. For the first two-thirds, Smith rarely talks about herself where it does not involve Mapplethorpe.

But what I'm loving is her writing style. I have always loved her as a songwriter/artist, but those are snippets into how well she can put pen to paper - and you just know that is how she wrote it.

I'd say, "oh to live from 1968-1973.....", but I was alive. I just was not living at the Chelsea Hotel in New York City. I was saying to Rebecca, because even though this is not a book club book, she was reading it at the same time I did, I am totally envious of Smith and Mapplethorpe.

Perhaps it is just her prose, but to be in that hotel - and running into Grace Slick, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin in the hotel bar, all at the same time? It can't just be her telling of it, it had to be incredible.

Or to have William S. Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg staying in the same hotel and become your friends???? Or Sam Shepard to be your lover? I'd say "surreal", but that would be reserved for running into Salvador Dali in the lobby while you're holding a stuffed raven and have him comment on it.

That doesn't even cover her friendships with Todd Rundgren (really?), Jim Carroll or a relationship with a member of Blue Oyster Cult (really, really???). This was all before she ever became famous in her own right.

You'd think it was some really great acid trip, but it's not. At times it almost borders on namedropping, but she never quite goes over that line.

I suppose this book can be as much about her unorthodox relationship with Mapplethorpe as it is with Smith's fascination with 19th century poet, Arthur Rimbaud. You do not go too many pages where Rimbaud is not referenced somewhere.

Now, I like Patti Smith as an artist and always have (even seen her perform live, if you remember), but I think anyone would find this book fascinating. I can let Becky chime in when she finally gets around to catching up on my blog.

Song by: Patti Smith

Monday, March 08, 2010

I'm Not the Man

I almost typed, "I'm a patient man....", but then I caught myself and started laughing.

While it is a great opening line, it couldn't be farther by the truth.

I have my moments, I'm sure. Take the last three or four years. I continue to get emails to my non-Blobbysblog address for someone of a similar, but not same exact, first name. To be clear, my first name is in the email address.

This guy alter-ego of mine lives in Texas. I get his invites to Baptist BBQs. I know that he has a water leak in one of his properties that is causing havoc. I (he) have been asked to attend reunions, parties, events and outings.

His (my) non-response to these events must either be making him horribly unpopular for not participating, or they all think he's got some dementia going on with not remembering getting an invite they know they had sent.

Before you condemn me, I have sent a number of responses back and number of times each - and never once got a "oh sorry..." or "thanks for letting me know....". Nope, I just continue to get his emails.

So imagine my glee when he (I) got a new email the other day that I've been sitting on - not 100% sure what to do with as of yet. I think I'm going to play the role of troublemaker. First, let me give you some snippets of the email:

When they spilt, they stopped talking hanging out or being apart of each others lives …it made me sad because it made me think of us, naturally seeing as our recent situation, and how I missed us being friends. You have been a big part of my life since I have been in college and have been a great friend to me. I know things have to be different now that we aren’t dating....,


Lately, people having been asking me if we are getting back together—and I’m sure you have gotten this too—but I simply don’t have an answer for them.

I think I (he) might reply to Caroline, who is so close with her ex-boyfriend that she doesn't even know his correct email address. And he (I) might have an answer for 'them'.

Caroline, while I have enjoyed the time we spent together, I realized that you are just not the one for me. I don't see how we can ever date again, nor even be friends. Each relationship comes with an expiration date and ours has long since passed. And while this is no reflection on you, I wouldn't feel right not telling you that I am currently seeing someone else. In another setting, I really think you and Hank would get along - as you are so much alike.

Take care and be happy in all you do.

I'm guessing that will either stop all the emails in the future, or completely flood my mailbox. There's probably no in between.

Song by: 10,000 Maniacs

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Running Up That Hill

I'm an early riser, as you all know. Or you should know by now. And if you've read at all for content (and retained any of it), you might remember we live on a slightly heavily traveled road that has had it's share of accidents and even that guy plunging over the side of the ravine to his death (which also got us a shiny new guardrail!!!). Oh we also live on a hill and near two large hospital systems.

Trust me, I'm going somewhere with all of this backlog of information.

So, even while I was awake for the most part by 04:30, I didn't get my hairy derriere out of bed until 06:20. As is my routine, I go immediately to the loo. I was barely in there when Denton goes, "there's a car in our yard". Naturally, even though I wasn't groggy, I did shout down for him to repeat what I thought I had heard. I got the same response.

I throw on sweats and head downstairs to see one cop car, one ambulance, one firetruck on the street and one car in our yard. Well, on our property, not quite onto the lawn. That hill from the road to the lawn is steep and heavily wooded. And while there were probably siren going at a time for these emergency vehicles, I didn't hear them, but they are so frequent, I've learned to blot them out. Anyhoo, I grab the camera and we make the trek out in to the cold cold morning air.

I will be the first to admit, I know zilch about minority social habits. So, when I get to the street, I'm a little surprised to see three other cars with 4-5 people per car, in or around them. I gathered from the conversations, they were not in some kind of convoy, but that the person who drove up onto our yard had some kind of phone tree where multiple people were notified and then dispatched to our street. Oh - and they were called before the police were.

Maybe the police were never called and just came up on the accident - it was never made clear.

The ambulance and firetruck were leaving as we approached, so no injury or fire (or fuel leak). No one seemed to get arrested or tested for alcohol, that I saw. And one guy who clearly was not there during the accident (since he said he arrived before the police) said it wasn't 'reckless driving', which got an audible chuckle out of me.

C'mon, there is a car up a hill and stuck in our yard. The driver, even if never ever ever driving this road before, clearly missed these

...and I didn't even bother taking pics of a third sign on the left hand side of the road. It is clearly marked. Let's ignore the fact that she ignored that first sign that says 20mph.

Because no one can be going only 20mph would go over that island in the last pic and not get a tire track in the dirt until halfway through said island (where she lost her bumper). Or the fact that she had to cross another lane, go up and over a sidewalk and 30 feet up a steep wooded hill. Yes, I'm implying she was going at least 45. And not even a skid mark like she attempted to break.

And before you ask: no, she was not driving a Toyota!!

Yeahhhhhhh, buddy, that is not reckless driving! ...and I never even watch CSI and I figured all that out.

Denton and I had to approach the officers to tell them it was our property. They seemingly could care less. Curt, they were, in fact. They cut Denton off and he went back into the house. I did not.

I walked around and took pictures of the accident scene, for our protection. A woman who was in the car, told me, and I quote: "you best not be takin' pictures of my license plate". I plainly told her I was, as it was my property she has damaged and I needed it for my documentation.

A guy with her attempted to apologize, but I know in a scene of an accident never to say something like "that's alright", since it implies you're fine with whatever happened. I said nothing.

He also tried to imply accidents like this must happen all the time. I reassured him in the five years we lived here it had never happened, to which the lady had the nerve to say to me, "oh, don't worry, they're only trees!"

Oh no she di'int!

I should have asked for their insurance information, but let's just say, I felt outnumbered, they were an angry bunch (for whatever reason) and they clearly knew where I lived. I did get their information from the cops though - so I have that and will get a copy of the police report.

I'm glad no one was hurt (though they almost tread upon Kylie's grave!), but since they seemingly cared so little about what they did to our property, I have a certain satisfaction that there car is fucked up beyond belief.

From this angle, they almost made it onto the lawn.

Ok, that's gotta hurt. I don't think tires are supposed to go out at an 80 degree angle. Boo-fuckin-hoo.

Song by: Kate Bush

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Shake it Up

The title and artist just could not fit together more perfectly for this post. Usually I try to make one fit, but two? That's crazy talk!

Poor little Viggo, my Volvo V50 (turbo!). The last few weeks, it is like he has had early on-set Parkinson's Disease that went into full Essential Tremor. I mean, I could go around driving and singing, and no matter what the song, it always sounded like I graduated from the Belinda Carlisle School of Music.

I lived with it as long as I could and decided he needed an alignment....or so I thought.

I'm not a car geek. I'm not useless around some of the mechanics, but I'm not good at diagnostics. So I'm explaining to the car guy, as I made my appointment, what the symptoms were. He flatly told me it wasn't an alignment issue, that I had more than likely broken a belt within at least one tire.

Yayyy, I thought. It sounds cheaper than getting the car realigned.

FAIL. He was right. I was wrong.

I ended up having to have all my tires replaced and because it is Cleveland (you read about my potholes, right?) I went ahead and got the alignment too. And an oil change. And a new air filter. The mechanic calls and asked if I ever had it replaced.

I dunno. I assumed those few dozen times I had Volvo service the car while it was under full warranty, or when they replaced the engine, that they swapped out the filter. The new mechanic bets they had not.

All little things that add up to one big bill.

Granted the tires weren't cheap or little, but to be fair, I've had the car for five and a half years and have never changed the tires, so they were kind of due. My friend Sal, who does know a lot about cars, wondered how I was even driving on them. Fair enough.

So yesterday morning, I dropped the car off at 07:00 and then walked the mile and a half home, because as you read yesterday, I've become "husky". Denton could have followed me and driven me home, but I hoofed it.

And then I hoofed it back in the afternoon to pick it up, but quite a bit of cash lighter. At least the car drove smoothly.

Song by: the Cars

Friday, March 05, 2010

Carry that Weight

Yes, Blobby is still struggling with a little Blogger's Block. Whatta gonna do? I'm not just not that exciting these days.

Possibly a little down too.

I'm struggling with yoga and well, my weight. Nothing huge, but disheartening none the less.

Now that I'm done with physical therapy, I'm trying to get back into yoga. The scheduled times just seems to conflict with a few happy hours. What's that about? Clearly I've been choosing the happy hour over the work-out hour. I mean, I'm still doing my four times per week cardio and weight routines.

I did go to yoga last night and while my back is fine with it, my flexibility and balance are all kaflooey. I feel like I'm back at square one - and I'm not a happy camper about it. It is probably not as bad as I feel it is, but despite what most people say, my feelings are valid.

And there's the weight thing. How is it I've gained 4-6 lbs in the last month? It fucking took me 8 months to lose 17 lbs and now I'm on the upward curve. If I keep on this track, I'll gain the rest of that 11 pounds back in now time and keep adding to it.

Yes, one could make the argument that not doing yoga and doing happy hour is the cause, but it's not. I'm really not drinking a lot at all, or more often even. I'm just looking for an excuse. Maybe now that I can start spinning again will help control some of this.

I've cut back on my sugar intake and increased fruits in the last two months, but........what the fuck, people?

Yes, I've increased the amount of weights I'm lifting, but I'm not gaining that much more muscle mass (though even I am liking the look of my upper arms as I'm lifting. Yes, I'm vain).

So, when I got home last night, I was feeling a little blue. I should have never gotten on that scale.

Ruckiry (not Jon's boss), I had a chat with my cousin, David after my yoga workout. The man kills me. This is just one of the messages I got from him (and yes, we go to separate gyms):

I was in the hot tub at the gym and this woman next to me spent 5 minutes describing how a space ship was hovering over her house. The she looks at me and says, the STRANGE thing was that it didn't park in the driveway.

Even for his eccentricities, he couldn't make this up. It would have been so much funnier to be there with him while this conversation was going on. I wonder if we could have held it in check, but I'm assuming not.

Ok - now I'm off to think of ways to slim down.

Song by: the Beatles

Thursday, March 04, 2010

The Secret Marriage

I'm still struggling a little with content for written posts, but you know me, I don't want to just cave and not have anything.

So, I turn to the Onion and their take on more marriage bans.

"we didn't choose to feel nothing for each other....that's just the way we are!" And I love the part about the buffets and endless piles of food.

Phew. That buys me another day to get something in writing......

Song by: Sting

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Fixing a (W)hole

Apparently you can fight City Hall.

One of the main roads that runs next to our house is in ruins. It has been for the last two years.

Last summer I was afraid to take my bike down the road for fear of wiping out and breaking my teeth (which as you know is one of my biggest fear, if not the biggest fear).

With Ohio's non-action and non-cash to fix the 3-4 mile stretch that is in our jurisdiction, and with another heinous winter on the books, the road is actually way worse than before - if that was even possible.

There is now no way to avoid a pot hole without hitting another one. This is no exaggeration. Impossible, it is. The above image, which is not of our road (hey, it's like 27 degrees as the high - I wasn't going out there!), but a somewhat good representation, though it doesn't even do it justice to how bad it actually is, or will get once another thaw comes around.

If it were nice out, the road is definitely off limits for a bicycle.

So, I wrote a letter to City Hall. An email, actually. Since I'm the guy who heads up the neighborhood email group, I maybe wrote for the 88 other houses in the 'hood. I may have said I was representing us all. I may have sent it to the mayor, all city council members, elected officials and the manager of city services.

I did talk about property values. I did talk about safety. I did write and send it a month ago. I didn't get an answer. So, I emailed the email group and told them what I did and suggested they all write City Hall too. ...and they took me up on it.

This was two days ago. I now of a dozen or so who actually wrote. Maybe it is coincidence, maybe it isn't, but yesterday I got an email from the city manager telling that in the next month they would be doing 'cold patching' of the street and then in early summer completely re-do the entire road.

That almost makes me feel really bad about sending a letter yesterday to the Plain Dealer's "Road Rant" columnist complaining about the road and the lack of response from the city.

I said "almost".

I'd say, "I win" - but we all do.

Song by: the Beatles

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Site of the Month

I'm doing the SotM early this month. It is possible that I might be struggling today for material for this blog. Hopefully it's a quickly passing writer's block, or I'm kind of fucked. I'd say you are too, but there are other blogs out in the sea.

Since it is National Nutrition Month (and even though it is hyperlinked, this is not my SotM), I thought I'd share this doozey of a website:

This Is Why You're Fat.

Clearly, I'm not singling out any of my readers. But it is a site that is disgusting when it's not so hyped up. And by hyped-up, I mean "made-up".

I'm sure the Mars Bar Cake is something someone probably makes and has passed on the artery clogging recipe. I don't buy for a second that someone truly has made the Meta Meat Cake (Four types of sausage, bratwurst, chorizo, ground beef, ground pork, diced ham, Canadian bacon, pepperoni, hickory smoked bacon, hot cappy, queso blanco, provolone and sharp cheddar, wrapped in sausage, bacon and cheese ball dough and baked. Then decorated with American, cheddar squeeze cheese and bacon strips)
...or the Bacon Bar (bacon and ground pork sausage baked inside a chocolate bar), except to get it featured on a website....which by the way, looks like a pork-filled turd.

Nope - I'm not buying it for a second.

Now, Morty and George will tell you there is a comedian out there (and for the life of me I don't remember who it is) that does an entire routine on bacon and things wrapped in it - and how there is nothing better in this world than bacon.

I love the smell of bacon. Sometimes it is ok to eat, but I'm not the biggest fan. And not everything is better with bacon.

Malley's candy here in NE Ohio this last weekend was selling chocolate covered bacon. They were also selling chocolate covered Twinkies, grapes and strawberries.

Since there is a Malley's right near the AutoShow, I dropped in to see what was what. They only make these things twice a year - and OMG, there was a crowd for them. A crowd!

Let's start with that they only use milk chocolate on these things - as if they weren't bad enough to start with, they don't even have the decency to use dark chocolate. Now Gordon's down in Columbus had the best dipped strawberries - when they existed. THE best. Malley's aren't dipped. They are coated. Vaulted almost. It would take a jackhammer to get through the layers of chocolate to get to the "fruit".

As for the bacon? Yeah, I tried about 3mm of it. Disgusting. Denton (who tried a similar size) said, if he didn't know it was bacon, he couldn't have told you what it was. I could. And they are really two things that do not go together, nor should they ever.

There is something to be said for salty and sweet (try Godiva chocolate covered pretzels - they're small and you can really only eat two at a sitting - if you can find them), but bacon is not the way to go, unless you have a pre-scheduled angioplasty already on the books.

But since there was a crowd, the website came back into my mind of what to do as my SotM. THIS IS WHY YOU ARE FAT !!!!

Would I like to lose a little more weight? Sure. Not a lot more, but some. Since clearly I've been exercising 4-5 times per week and stuck at no more weight loss, and for the last two months I have attempted to eat better. 5-6 clementines per day. 1-2 granola bars per day - and not the fat/sugar kind, but the dried cardboard kind. Laying off any candy as much as possible, not that I was eating a lot or anything. Just substituting with better choices.

And I'm still not losing a pound.

Sorry, if it is this hard for me (and I realize everyone's metabolism is different), I can't imagine anyone who makes any of the crap on this site to not die upon fork to mouth.

So yeah, my SotM goes two ways: funny if you can laugh at these outrageous foods, or get you thinking about ways to eat better. I don't know how you can look at this and not think that you're already better off than these folks.