Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Site of the Month

I'm doing the SotM early this month. It is possible that I might be struggling today for material for this blog. Hopefully it's a quickly passing writer's block, or I'm kind of fucked. I'd say you are too, but there are other blogs out in the sea.

Since it is National Nutrition Month (and even though it is hyperlinked, this is not my SotM), I thought I'd share this doozey of a website:

This Is Why You're Fat.

Clearly, I'm not singling out any of my readers. But it is a site that is disgusting when it's not so hyped up. And by hyped-up, I mean "made-up".

I'm sure the Mars Bar Cake is something someone probably makes and has passed on the artery clogging recipe. I don't buy for a second that someone truly has made the Meta Meat Cake (Four types of sausage, bratwurst, chorizo, ground beef, ground pork, diced ham, Canadian bacon, pepperoni, hickory smoked bacon, hot cappy, queso blanco, provolone and sharp cheddar, wrapped in sausage, bacon and cheese ball dough and baked. Then decorated with American, cheddar squeeze cheese and bacon strips)
...or the Bacon Bar (bacon and ground pork sausage baked inside a chocolate bar), except to get it featured on a website....which by the way, looks like a pork-filled turd.

Nope - I'm not buying it for a second.

Now, Morty and George will tell you there is a comedian out there (and for the life of me I don't remember who it is) that does an entire routine on bacon and things wrapped in it - and how there is nothing better in this world than bacon.

I love the smell of bacon. Sometimes it is ok to eat, but I'm not the biggest fan. And not everything is better with bacon.

Malley's candy here in NE Ohio this last weekend was selling chocolate covered bacon. They were also selling chocolate covered Twinkies, grapes and strawberries.

Since there is a Malley's right near the AutoShow, I dropped in to see what was what. They only make these things twice a year - and OMG, there was a crowd for them. A crowd!

Let's start with that they only use milk chocolate on these things - as if they weren't bad enough to start with, they don't even have the decency to use dark chocolate. Now Gordon's down in Columbus had the best dipped strawberries - when they existed. THE best. Malley's aren't dipped. They are coated. Vaulted almost. It would take a jackhammer to get through the layers of chocolate to get to the "fruit".

As for the bacon? Yeah, I tried about 3mm of it. Disgusting. Denton (who tried a similar size) said, if he didn't know it was bacon, he couldn't have told you what it was. I could. And they are really two things that do not go together, nor should they ever.

There is something to be said for salty and sweet (try Godiva chocolate covered pretzels - they're small and you can really only eat two at a sitting - if you can find them), but bacon is not the way to go, unless you have a pre-scheduled angioplasty already on the books.

But since there was a crowd, the website came back into my mind of what to do as my SotM. THIS IS WHY YOU ARE FAT !!!!

Would I like to lose a little more weight? Sure. Not a lot more, but some. Since clearly I've been exercising 4-5 times per week and stuck at no more weight loss, and for the last two months I have attempted to eat better. 5-6 clementines per day. 1-2 granola bars per day - and not the fat/sugar kind, but the dried cardboard kind. Laying off any candy as much as possible, not that I was eating a lot or anything. Just substituting with better choices.

And I'm still not losing a pound.

Sorry, if it is this hard for me (and I realize everyone's metabolism is different), I can't imagine anyone who makes any of the crap on this site to not die upon fork to mouth.

So yeah, my SotM goes two ways: funny if you can laugh at these outrageous foods, or get you thinking about ways to eat better. I don't know how you can look at this and not think that you're already better off than these folks.


tornwordo said...

I loved the Trader Joes chocolate peanut butter pretzels. It's a good thing we don't have TJ's up here. I looked at my goals for 2009 yesterday. One of them was to "maintain weight at 180". I'm 190 now. Ugh.

Larry Ohio said...

I was going to add that poutine should be on the list (no offense to Tornwordo or any other Canadian), but then I found it... "Canadian Calzone -- Poutine (fries, cheese & brown gravy) cooked inside a calzone and deep fried." Even the Canadians are on a death trip!

A Lewis said...

oh my god. I'm nauseated. And it's become quite clear why I don't like meat. And why this nation is as overweight as it is.