Friday, December 02, 2016

Plastic

"What's that bindi on your head?"

From most people, I'd have been aghast, or faux-aghast. But it was Becky, so I just shrugged.  It was an hour after she arrived, so she actually got points for waiting so long to form the question.

I find it hard to believe with the pictures I post that since March or April you folks have not noticed it too.  It's right there to your left.........see?  You've been awfully nice not to point it out - - - unlike some people.

Honestly, the bump appeared overnight. Or almost so.

I don't see it in Georty's wedding reception pictures in March, but do see it in some April ones.

Now, I'm not saying same-sex marriage - specifically Georty's - is a sin against nature and manifested itself in some hideous boil on the center of my forehead. But I'm not not saying it either.

Sure I partook from the open bar maybe more than I should have, but is that a reason to smite me?

So, after having to see myself in the mirror every fucking day with this on my head, I finally caved and went to a dermatologist.  While he would not take 'no' for an answer on a mole check (I'm fine there), he finally did look at the my head.....he determined it was a cyst or lipoma.  Yes, he could remove it but there'd be a scar.

I asked if he could make the scar into the shape of a lightening bolt - he never looked up from my chart and just deadpanned, "yeah.....that'd be great".  

I don't think he meant it.

Anyhoo.....he said while he could do it, he suggest a plastic surgeon who could do much better with the incision / scar.

.....and yesterday was the day.

My first plastic surgery.

If the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are any indication, it won't be my last. They make it sound great and very addicting!

The nurses and doctor were great.....though I barely got much more reaction from my lightening bolt comment to this doc as I did from the last.  "I only do straight lines".   Buzzkill.

I won't say he tried to talk me out of it, but he kept mentioning there'd be a scar. Chicks dig scars....and it had to be better than looking at Io orbiting this fucking planet called my head. I may have left out the adjective.

Doc cam back to numb me up. All in all it was probably 15-16 injections to part of my forehead. Only three hurt, but fuck did they hurt. But I took it like a man.  They left me alone for 20 minutes for the injections to take full effect.  And if I thought the mass looked bad before, the shots made it angry.


Fuck that's frightening.

A few minutes later I was back in the procedure room.

I wasn't able to take pics in there - because you know I would - mostly because I was in the chair, reclined with sterile dressing all over my face, including my eyes, and it also covered my shirt pocket where I kept my phone.

The doc asked what kind of music I wanted to hear. He did laugh when I said, "anything but hard-core rap or speed metal".  I honestly didn't care. I wanted him to like the music. He was the one with the scalpel.

I felt no pain, but could feel pressure and tugging. I thought the doc would talk about what he was doing, but he didn't. Now and then I'd feel him dab my brow, but I fear he was just cleaning up blood. Soon enough - 10 minutes? - I surmised he was suturing my head. I couldn't feel it.

I axed what it was, and he thought it was a lipoma, but it would be biopsied. I asked, still under the sterile dressing, for what it might be biopsied and he hesitated. I am the one who said tumor and then told him the quick tale of me going in for my appendix and coming out with bone cancer - so I was fine with hearing the worse case scenario.  He was quick to tell me it was most likely not a tumor as by my own admission the thing remained the same size for the last six months.

He dutifully ignored my suggestion of taping a 4x4 gauze pad to my head with blood soaking through it so I could go into the lobby that way. He put a flesh coloured steri-strip and I said, well at least now I can say, "you should see the other guy!"  

I'm sure there will be a knee slap and chortle in there while I deliver that line.

I learned how to wash and stuff. Really I just wait to have the suture removed in a week or so, but the bandage should stay on, but I feel it's going to look ratty in a week's time.


710 came home and it took him 20 minutes to notice I even had it done. Maybe he's just not that observant.

The doc and I talked about swelling, but I didn't think to ask about pain.


O.  M.  F.  G.  

It's safe to say, I'll have to be good for the next few days. I won't be able to roll my eyes at people's stupid comments. I won't be able to facially cringe at anything. I'll have to act like I have had Botox without actually having Botox.

But at least now you can say to me, "does your face hurt......?" 

....because....yes.......yes it does.




Song by: New Order

4 comments:

anne marie in philly said...

TTTT, I never noticed the bump. but cripes, that pre-incision photo! and the MDs had no sense of humor about the lightning bolt!

hope you heal quickly, dear.

Travel said...

Professional schools remove and residual sense of humor from future doctors and lawyers. Take care,

Jeffrey Rich said...

I would have TOTALLY insisted on the Lightning-shaped scar! Winguardium LeviOsa!

Smart to get that taken care of though. Almost always benign, except when they are not.

The Cool Cookie said...

I have one of those on the back of my head. Drives me crazy. I would have asked if I could take it home in a jar.