Sunday, November 20, 2016

Erase / Replace

Yesterday was not Blobby's day.  No indeed.

Let's almost forget that two days ago we had a record high  - 74 degrees.  In November! The next day (yesterday), it was 32. And snow. And sleet. And lightening and thunder.

No - it was just one of those times that one is scheduled on the Karma Klock. One of those things we all go through and my time was up.

I lost my wallet.


I had it at the gym. I had it post-gym, as I got a tea.  ...and then I got home and it was nowhere to be seen.

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

I searched the car - in case.  I searched the garage - just in case. I even traced a walk I took after getting home to see an accident on the hill.  All were for not.

I made a call to Starbucks, but they claim no one turned it in. Even if they did - I'm guessing the $43 wouldn't be with it.

As annoying as missing the cash is - it was more the credit cards and especially the driver's license that got my goat.

American Express and the bank were great....and easy. As it was past noon, I figured I missed my opportunity for the DMV and that I'd be illegally driving for the next few days until I could get there to replace my license. But a quick look on-line said a few were open until 14:00 or 15:00.


Well, partial lies. The first one - the closest - was indeed closed at noon. The other one, this time after calling, was open until 14:00.  We arrived at 13:35.

The thing about a missing wallet is you're kind of useless. 710 had to drive (as I had no license) and had to pay for the new one (as I had no cash and no means to get any). Chauffeured and given $$$$ ? What's not to love about this?

Still, the DMV is what Emma Lazarus was talking about: the tired, poor and huddled masses. And lord did I yearn to be free!

I 'joked' with 710, that I'm just back from the gym on a cold cold day and I didn't think I was camera ready.

The paperwork was painless, and even though I brought the two IDs the website told me, they didn't even look at my passport. Mostly, it was a lot of sitting around and waiting. And watching human behaviour.  The woman next to us arguing with her mother on the phone, while the mother argued with the electric company. Or the people who actually entered at 13:59. Who does this?  I thought I was pushing it by getting there 25 minutes before closing.

....and there wasn't a cute guy to be seen.

Finally, they call me to get my picture taken. This was another keen observation by me. I think.  But true to the Dump manifesto, it's part racist and part misogynistic. Save 710 and myself, there was only one other caucasian person in the DMV - including the workers.

I'm getting the questions the clerks ask: organ donation, living will, etc. Or my second favourite: "are you legally allowed to be driving and had a valid driver's license?"   Ummm......honey, doesn't your screen tell you that? Cuz I'm guessing it does. If not, then fuck - everyone who has a suspended license should hightail it to the DMV.

But then they keep focusing on my favourite part: "are you habitually using or abusing alcohol or prescription or illegal drugs?"  Who the fuck answers to the affirmative on this?

As I waited and waited and waited, I watched the women getting their license and taking multiple photos - until they found one they liked.

Honest to g-d, this one chick said, "no....let's do it again, that makes me look fat".  Honey - it is a face shot. The camera don't lie - or add 10lbs.  Those are the Mars bars you've been eating.

Even the clerk to the woman right before me:  "you have such a nice smile, let's do it again, and show everyone that smile." And then turning around the monitor - "see?". 

I'm thinking,  'I could have been out of here 10 minutes ago if it weren't being treated like a model shoot.

So now it's my turn - and just a reminder, I'm the only white person and the only guy.

"Look here".   {flash}  "'re done". 


A. I was correct: I was not camera ready.
B. Losing the wallet and now this = insult to injury.
C. I totally get all those questions asking if I habitually used drugs & alcohol.

But fuck - now I know why Dump is all about how hard it is for the white male. We don't get do-overs.

.....I mean he did, obvi.

But the rest of us don't have that luxury.

Oh - and I (well, 710) had to buy me a new wallet to house my new license. My cousin David will be happy about that, as he thinks my old wallet rivaled George Costanza's.

Song by: Foo Fighters


Travel said...

Ouch, here is hoping the rest of the year is kind to you!

anne marie in philly said...

SHIT! hope you get lots of hugs from shep and sophie today.

Ur-spo said...

bummer dued.

BosGuy said...

Sorry you lost your wallet but you gave me a good chuckle at a couple of different points in the story. Hope everything else gets replaced with much less difficulty.