Friday, March 29, 2013

Nails In My Feet

What?  Too soon?

I'm lovin' Jebus' new 'do.  It is much shorter and so much easier to manage.  Of course, it completely fucks up the validity of  that Shroud of Turin thingy.

And fuck, what I'd give to have those abs!  I mean, maybe not nailed to a cross, but the man is ripped....whomever he is.

Of course, maybe he's not hanging from timber.  Isn't it possible, just possible, that this is a really really intense Pilates class.

Pontious Pilates.

I really think that is a business model that would work. I mean, L.A. has a Chinese / Jewish Deli called Genghis Cohen, so why not Pontius Pilates Studio?

How else to you explain that torso and abs?  Three Day Miracle?

I do love how these christians see Christ as a honey-blonde, white dude - as there are so many of those in Jerusalem. I'm sure there is some wiki site that explains how he morphed into an "acceptable" white dude, but I"m too lazy to look and it just doesn't matter.

I truly don't believe if he was portrayed as dark or olive skinned that anyone in say, Alabama, would be so eager to follow him as their lord and savior. Jebus would be drinking out of a separate water fountain if they had their way.   ....and yes I'm generalizing.  Sue me.

(remind me to tell you 2 offensive crucifixion jokes later!)

I still don't know how a bunny, eggs and chocolate got involved either in this so-called "holiday", but it's out there. So I get Jolly Rancher jellybeans half-off starting next week.

...and that is the real miracle!



Song by:  Crowded House

5 comments:

anne marie in philly said...

since sunday has no religious meaning at all for me, I celebrate the chocolate bunnies and marshmallow chicks and black (only) jelly beans jumping into my mouth!

Erik Rubright said...

I always like watching a redneck's brain lock up when I point out that Jesus was a Jew.

Raybeard said...

A fair-haired Jew in Jesus' time, and in that part of the world especially, would have been so implausibly conspicuous one can reasinably reject the idea. Most likely J.C. had a hook-nose as well, which jars a bit with Western notions of the 'good looks' that Christian historians and artists have endowed him with. (Not that there's anything 'wrong' with hook-noses!) I'd also like to know if he had any physical blemishes at all - as most of us have at least something 'wrong' with our bodies - moles, squints, varicose veins, disproprtionate limbs, birthmarks etc - or was he gifted with an enviably perfect physique?
As for the crucifion itself I only realised much later after my strict Catholic education that being nailed to a cross was the USUAL practice for all those so executed. I'd assumed that it was a uniquely painful 'embellishment' to normal procedure specifically meted out because of who he claimed to be, whereas I thought that all others had been tied to the cross by rope.
And as for that loincloth, also unlikely - though in depictions of the event it does serve the function of conveniently hiding the fact that J.C. was circumcised and, therefore, Jewish - which, as Erik says above, is something still rather 'unpalatable' to many who don't like to have the fact dwelt upon.

Morty said...

Jesuses are much more bad-ass than when we were kids. I remember gentle, hippie Jesuses holding lambs and caressing children. To avoid any homo/hetero-confusion, the ones today are muscled and butch - daring you to put nail holes in them.

cb said...

I always thought J-dog would look good with a shag...