Friday, December 11, 2015

Clean

I've been dreading this day for years. Years, I tellz ya!

For two and a half years now, I got a reminder on my electronic health record that I am due.....then overdue....then really overdue for a colonoscopy.

It is one of those things I was fretting over that I mentioned the other day.

But today is the day. Later today, at that. Which is like adding insult to injury. S(h)it around and wait. Literally.

I knew of the ironically-named GoLYTELY™. I figured {wrongly} of me being NPO after midnight. I didn't really realize no certain meds for five days prior to the procedure. I did not know of the no fiber (including no fresh fruit or salad!) for three days prior. Or only clear liquids the day prior to. Hmmmm....green jello.....but only because they don't allow you to eat red jello!

As it turns out, I can have clear liquids the day of, just up to the point of a few hours before the appointment. They want you to keep hydrated.

For the record, I'm drafting this at 18:26 and I am STARVING. Well, I'm hungry. Kids in Somalia are starving. Only another 21 hours to go!

I've had enough surgical procedures in my life that they don't freak me out. As a friend of mine told me, "it's the best 20 minute sleep you'll ever get".

Another friend of mine {who will remain anonymous} has put his procedure off too. When I told him that normally use conscious sedation for these, he "joked" that maybe if he tells them he's a "complete top" that they'll use general anesthetic to make sure he's totally out.

I think that is called a "roofie".

We assumed a total bottom would want to feel everything.

Top or Bottom, I should be porn-star clean.

What?  TMI?

And of course, I'm counting on bad results. That is just the way things work with me and medical tests. I can't even give a complete family history on this. Allegedly, my grandfather died of colon cancer, but then someone else will say he had a bad heart. The family is notoriously tight-lipped about such things, so who the fuck knows.

"Sleep" and probing aside - I can do with out drinking the concoction that is going to make me void my bowels for the better part of the day. Put me under sedation, you can do anything you want to me. I mean, I signed the consent form.

Well, not anything. I don't want them to be douches like the staff was to that verbally demeans the patients while they're "out".  If you've got something to say to me, do it to my face. Don't charge my insurer for that pleasure.

And hopefully they'll keep the joke to being able to hear their own echo to a minimum.

Here is hoping that you will all do the same.




Song by: Depeche Mode

8 comments:

Travel said...

Hope everything goes smoothly. Jay seemed to enjoy his,he wanted to post the video on You-Tube.

itsmyhusbandandme said...

I've got everything crossed for you.
Jean-Paul

Bob Slatten said...

Deep breath. Relax.
Hope it all goes smoothly.

joe c said...

I'm in the same boat: 2 years overdue and I still haven't taken care of it. :(

Fearsome Beard said...

I remember waking up during mine. They put me right back out. The prep is the worst. The procedure not a problem. Now waking up in a room full of men farting, hilarious.

anne marie in philly said...

spouse had one earlier this year; doesn't go back for 5 years as all is well.

hope all is well for you also, blobby.

daryl t said...

a bit slow to this, but I hope it all went well.
cheers,
d

Ur-spo said...

After awhile they are not too bad.
Indeed the knock-out drugs are miraculous you remember nothing, leaving you with the sensation they didn't do anything at all. but took your money.