Wednesday, December 16, 2015

a Mighty Wind

They say - well, Rebecca does, and possibly Edith Wharton - that 'things are never as good as I'd hoped or bad as I feared'. 

Possible. Or possible I might be calling bullshit on that.

I'm talking about that stupid colonoscopy. Cutting to the end result - I'm fine. Clean as can be and no need to return for a decade. That I can live with.

The prep I was so worried might not have been worse than I imagined, but it certainly met my expectations.

I had the option so split the process. Half the evening before and half the next morning, or all the morning of.  Either way, on the morning of, I had to start no later than 05:00. Well fuck if I was going to ruin my evening too, so I did it all in the morning. While still the better option, it still sucked.

For some reason, the first two-thirds of the solution seemed to go quickly, but it never seem like the last third was leaving the bottle. And the more I drank, the worse it tasted. I don't know about all the flavours, but I don't think I'll be eating or drinking anything lemon-lime again.

And I haven't "chugged" so much since college days. You had to drink 8oz every 10 minutes. And you had to drink four liters.

For the first 90 minutes, I don't think I had to use the restroom once. After that - well.........let's just say our water bill will be higher next month.

The procedure itself - as I was on the table, they told me I could keep my glasses on and we'd converse through the entire thing. Lies. All lies.

Of perhaps I did, but the versed and fentanyl put me out enough that I don't remember a thing until I was in PACU. It is all a blur.

They let 710 come back - which btw, it is really nice to say on these occasions that my 'husband' is with me and no one least externally - and they updated me on what they saw (nothing) and my post-op stuff.

I was cramping, which is normal after an abdominal procedure, with trapped gas.  And they wouldn't release me without farting passing some gas.  What?  TMI?

I've had lots of abdominal surgeries. Never before has the gas been so painful. Nor could I get rid of any of it. Honestly, I tried many things - and nothing. We are talking this went on three or four times longer than the procedure itself.

Funny story - true story:  in the PACU, there were two nurses, two other patients and three family members including 710. When I finally farted passed went on for a while.  Yes, I was in the restroom, which I just somehow was under some illusion that it was like Kal-El's Fortress of Solitude.

It was not.

In the world of SBDs, I will attest that these were not D, but were also definitely not S. Oh no - they were SO not S.

Coming out of my "fortress", I got three thumb's up signals. One from a nurse, one from 710 and one from the patient's wife in the cubicle next to mine.

I'd say - 'OH, the horror', but really, what could I do?  I just laughed and shrugged.

They let me go home, but the pain was pretty acute for the rest of the evening and partly the next day. And let me tell you, Costco and Whole Foods are no more soundproofed than an ambulatory surgery center.  Just sayin'.......

Let's just say I skipped yoga on Saturday on the off-chance things didn't go my way. You hear yoga / fart stories, I just didn't want to be the anecdote for someone else's tale.

And I won't be worrying about it much for another 9.5 years.

Song by: the Folksmen, Mitch & Mickey and the New Main Street Singers


wcs said...

Here in France they put us under general anesthetic for the procedure. But otherwise it sounds pretty much the same. I just had my second one (I'm on a five-year cycle) and this time the prep was better, but the after gas was worse. Talk about TMI...

anne marie in philly said...

when spouse had his over the summer, the prep was PILLS; no nasty "drink this shit". I am surprised more MDs have not taken this route. and spouse is good for 10 years also.

NO ONE should be flinching when the term "husband" is used; it rolls off the tongue easily. the only "flinchers" are the narrow-minded bigoted homophobic xstains.

Anonymous said...

Phew. Glad all if okay.

Travel said...

Glad everything came out well. An old friend once commented on passing gas, there is more room on the outside, than on the inside.

Fearsome Beard said...

Lucky boy, ten years...good news. I'm envious. Oh and thanks for the pics, just what I wanted to see at breakfast, but then again I was fore warned was I not?

Mark in DE said...

I'm about 2 years past due for mine, and have been postponing it due to the stories and experiences of friends. Sad to say, this account has NOT made me more willing to schedule the dreaded procedure. Glad you're well though.

Ur-spo said...

Another reason I went into psychiatry!

tornwordo said...

I was told to split it but I only had to drink one liter the evening before and the other at 5 this morning. I felt no effects from the sedation whatsoever and watched him doing it on the monitor. I had the same combo as you - versed and fentanyl. The patient before me was totally zonked. The nurse said everyone`s reaction to it is different. The farting room was my favorite part. Of course. We HAD to fart it all out and there was no way it was S but thankfully not D either. It`s extremely rare I am in a room with women farting.