Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Brothers on a Hotel Bed

So I mentioned the other day that when I was in NYC, that I took an evening to have drinks with an old friend, Pat.

Pat was actually in my fraternity.

It was fun, sad and a little weird to catch up with him. He clearly keeps in contact with more of our brothers - a little too much so, but that's just me. Except for a handful of them, I've left that life behind me like I did high school.

Actually it was a lot like high school, just with more alcohol.

Pat talks with the few people I still converse with (and a lot more), so he is up on what I have been up to, since clearly they all talk..........about me!

I'm sure not just about me, but it obvious I have come up in certain context: where I work, my cancer "scare" (was it just a scare??), one of my sisters...............and that's about it.

The big pink elephant (!) in the room, while they know it, just never comes up. I'm not sure how to take that. Is it a non-issue, or is it that no one wants to talk about it.......myself included.

We talked about his kids, but barely his wife. I asked. He never asked personal life. And I didn't bring it up. What is the proper protocol for this?

I'm gay.......and it's part of who I am, but it's not who I am. So, I wasn't sure why I should make it a big deal.

Pat clearly loves his kids, but again, not much about the Mrs. Actually, not anything. And while we talked about his kids, he made an off-handed comment that he wouldn't be less happy not having any. Is that the ugly truth about parenthood?

So while the visit was fulfilling in some ways, it seemed empty in others. I feel I got to catch up with Pat, but not have him do the same with me. I didn't want to force the issue, if there even was an issue.

It was great to see him and have him catch me up on his brother too. Maybe next time I'm in the city or he's in Ohio, we can have that conversation. It had been a long time between visits and a short time to catch up. I guess you can't expect to have it all in a two hour period - right?

Song by: Death Cab for Cutie


Breenlantern said...

I would think being with Denton all this time and just getting married is a big deal, especially if it makes you happier than this fella seems to be about his life.. It's not about sharing that your gay, it's about freely sharing the details of your life that happen to indicate your gay. Why do we still fill the need to shy away from that with the reasoning "It's part of who I am, not who I am"? Seems disrespectful to yourself, your husband and your marriage to me. But we all have to figure out our own comfort levels. I'd just once like to hear a straight person justify keeping their marriage/relationship hidden from others with the reasoning "being straight is part of who I am, it's not who I am."


Birdie said...

I'd say yes, put it out there for the world to know. It's how hearts will be changed. But I would never presume to dictate to anyone how that must be played out. Do what you think is best.

It's been proved that having children does NOT make a person happier or a marriage better. (It has also been proven that having children costs a ton of money.) I think a lot of women are stunned to find that the case. You have children because you would be incomplete without them. The joy of children comes from loving them, no matter how they behave. If that's not a natural response, then having children should not be considered.

tornwordo said...

I out myself very casually all the time. Serge, my spouse, says that blah blah blah. Easy peasy. Why be shy about it?

Cubby said...

"I guess you can't expect to have it all in a two hour period - right?" Are you looking for absolution from us? Sorry my friend, I'm not in a position to give you any. Nor am I in a position to criticize. We're all just trying to get through this life as best we can.