Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Monday Moaning

It's been forever (years?) since I've done snippets from the Cleveland Plain Dealer.

Yes, they have a weekly section called: Monday Moaning. It is where basically all the Grandpa Simpsons of the world, or at least Northeast Ohio, write or call-in to complain about the most inane things - ever!

It used to be that each one was a gem. Now, only 1-2 a week are good. Maybe I've become jaded and cynical. Yes! Become!!!!! Shut up - all of you!!!!

I'm going to go back over the last few weeks and pull some of my faves. And even out of these, there are only a few good ones. Yes, I know it's not Monday, but help me out here.

"I see men with half their undershorts hanging out. Where are the police when you need them?" -- Cleveland

"Why don't all the cereal box makes finish cutting the slit where the tab goes?" -- Cleveland

I was at Calvary Cemetery last week to visit my cousin's grave. He is in section 95, and they only had one section marker. They used to have more than one." -- No city

"Regarding the new Cedar Point ride: If I wanted to swing 301 feet in the air, I'd get paid to be a window washer. That's just crazy." -- Fairview Park

"I really resent paying a lot of money for cable TV when, at 6 a.m. Saturday, the only things on hundreds of channels are infomercials. They really suckered the public on this." -- North Olmsted

"People: He throws a ball into a basket. Get a life."-- Lakewood

“When making a phone call, it is simple courtesy to let it ring 10 times. Older people need more time to get to the phone.” -- Euclid

“I am sick of seeing these Bodies exhibition billboards and advertisements. They are disgusting. God said bury the dead. That’s what they should do.” -- Cleveland

"We have a married woman on our street with two little children that she walks up and down the street with in her skimpy two-piece bikini. Please stop doing this. You're a grown woman, not a 12-year-old, so please dress your age. It looks awful to be running around the neighborhood half-naked." -- Brook Park

"Ohio needs rail transportation. I am 75 and visit my grandchildren in Columbus. It is difficult to drive Interstate 71, and I cannot drive at night. Buses are confining, and I need to walk to avoid cramps. Flying is too expensive. I know parents who have to drive to pick up college students. Why is Ohio always behind other states?" -- Rocky River

I wish a few TV meteorologists would learn how to dress professionally. The men do a terrific job, with shirt, tie and jackets. There are a few women who like to wear miniskirts, and how can we concentrate on the forecast when that's what they are wearing?" -- Avon

"In response to last week's moaner about being tailgated, he's probably being tailgated because he's driving too slow. I can't tell you how many times I have tailgated myself because people can't manage to get up to the speed limit. If you don't want people tailgating, drive faster." -- No City


Cubby said...

The LeBron James complaint made me laugh.

Birdie said...

So that's what that basketball comment was about? I loved it. I'm a curmudgeon in training, and these are excellent tips. I can't wait to be an Old Bat and get away with saying all kinds of things.

AJohnP said...

I love these!! Especially the one about the woman walking the neighborhood in her bikini.

tornwordo said...

I've had that exact same gripe - you sort of made a slit for me to put the tab in, why only sort of?

Anonymous said...

The comment on infomercials nailed it. Especially when have are for that dam steam mop the the others are for P90X.

anne marie in philly said...

ohio DOES need better rail transportation - like a train that runs from cleveland to columbus to cincinnati.

the rest - LMFAO!

l'shauna tovah to you and your loved ones for a sweet new year!

Wonder Man said...

These are entertaining

cb said...

In my "back home" paper- these are called "My Two Cents" or is it "Sense"?