Brushes**

Lord - I totally know why the suicide rate amongst the dental profession is so high. 

According to Choices Psychotherapy, they are #2 on the suicide by profession list, right behind medical doctors, but ahead of veterinarians. 

Though percentage rates change if you look by educational level. It seems construction workers might actually top the list. 

Anyhooo......

If I had to look not just at these images, but the actual things too, day in and day out, I'd cut out early too. 

.....and I'm saying that knowing that those are my teeth. 

The upper right quadrant of the multiple images - especially the third from the right - looks like Lee Press-On Toe Nails. .....except they're my chompers. 

The entire composite looks like a chapter right out of the Big Book of British Smiles. *

It's been six weeks since my periodontal procedure. So far I've had four (!) follow-up visits. And yesterday (!!!!!) was the first time since September 10th that I've been allowed to brush or floss the affected areas!

Yes, I've heard you all just go "ewwwwwwwww".  I know, because I have said it on a daily basis for weeks on end.

I usually floss twice per day and always brush twice per day. So the idea of almost seven weeks is just brutal to me. 

As Morty will say "it's better to be anal about your oral hygiene than oral about your anal hygiene."

Words to live by. Words to live by. 

Mind you, I can only do both flossing and brushing very very very lightly, at least for the next six months!!!  

Hey, it's better than nothing. 

*it's a joke UK readers - don't hold it against me. 

Song by: Fleetwood Mac

**the working demo title for what would become "Never Going Back Again"

Needles and Pins

Charlie Kirk's death delayed this post. Another thing for which you can blame him 

I do. 

Wednesday I had a periodontal appointment. I just loathe those. If my fear of the dentist wasn't bad enough, there is zero chance that a periodontist is going to better. 

This would be my third procedure to attempt to fix receding gums on teeth numbers 3 and 14. 

The first "fix" lasted about 10 years. The last one less than five. This one better stand the test of time, as I can assure it it is the last time I'm going through this. 

The first two times were skin graphs off the roof of my mouth. 

Yeah - I just saw you all cringe. 

The first time you're too stupid to truly know what's coming. The second, well, it's nothing but trepidation. 

This time would be different. No skin graphs. Phew. But somehow, someway, they'd put collagen plugs into my gums which would spread / push the existing gums to cover the root of the tooth. 

Now, Blobby has a high pain tolerance. Unfortunate, but true. I don't care how much numbing gel you give me, I'm a-gonna feel the 14 (!!) needle injections into my gums. Some were just pressure. Some were much more. 

Honestly, that is the worst part of it all. That and how your mouth has to be agape for 90 minutes straight. I'm not Luke Wilson acting in just about everything he does.

The aftermath isn't pretty. And sooooooooo many rules. 

• Ice packs every 20 minutes for 48 hours. Clearly not while sleeping. 

• No running for a week (!).  That's gonna be a slight blow to marathon training. 

• No wind instruments!!!!  Now I'll NEVER be a concert flautist.  

• No running your tongue over the surgical sites. Though they didn't say someone else couldn't run their tongue over them. 

• No alcohol. No Smoking. No Marijuana.  No problem. 

• No spitting. No straws (straw!). No gargling. No hot beverages. No gum. 

• No seeds. No nuts. No granola. Nothing crunchy. My morning gruel just got switched to eggs for the next week. 

• No brushing the sites for at least a week. Gingerly brushing everywhere else. With a special brush. For six MONTHS!

• Rinsing with some medicated liquid that turns your tongue brown, 2x / day. 

• Sugar will slow down healing process. Which means my healing is going to be delayed. 

• Oh, and a visit the next day, one week, three weeks, three months and six months afterward. 

All for a low low low cost your dental plan does not cover. 

What is not to love?   I mean, except the swelling and pain. 

I drafted the above the day of, but after, the procedure. To be honest, the pain at most is a 1.5 on the 10 scale. Again - high pain tolerance. Eating is weird. Brushing is too. I don't (think I) look swollen, but I feel it. 

Riding a bike for an hour isn't nearly as satisfying as running six miles. But I gotta do what I gotta do. Technically, I'm only missing four days of running, as two would be my rest days anyway. 

BTW - isn't that a fucked up image of all my teeth??

Song by: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers with Stevie Nicks

So Fresh, So Clean

I know businesses are opening back up, and for the most part, I'm not participating in any of that. 

Save one. 

Monday, I went to the dentist. 

It wan't an emergency, just a regularly scheduled cleaning and bite wings. 

As much as I loathe the dentist and Covid wold have been a legitimate cancel reason, I know me. Miss once, which turns into twice, which turns into forever. 

And I never did get that periodontist to reschedule my post-surgery visit. I felt someone had to look at the graft and see if it's taking. 

They delayed my visit by 15 minutes, so I'd be the only patient there and things would be clean. I got a nifty pair of glasses. 

I wasn't quite as worried about said dentist, as they aways wear masks, gloves and face shields on their regular work days. 

But they hyrdo-scrape (or whatever it is called) was a non-part of the visit. You know, water particles hitting your mouth and then flying everywhere. That was a non-starter, for everyone. 

That also meant the archaic method of cleaning teeth - the scrape, pick, poke and prod. I'm not a fan of the water method either, but this one was painful. Literally. 

For like the third visit in a row, I got the 'you need to floss' speech. I had to stop the hygeniest and say: "I floss every single day", which is not a lie. 

Then she asked how long it had been since my last cleaning.  "ummm....6 months.....like clockwork". 

She seemed to think my tartar build up was especially bad, so............yay?  I'm going with it being Covid Stress Related Tartar.  It'll be a thing with the ICD-11s, I just know it. 

There was lot of blood. There was soreness. There still is. 

We will see how it goes again in six months. 

Song by: Outkast

Into the Great Wide Open

Let's just add insult to injury, shall we?

Yesterday I had to be in the periodontist chair for an hour getting a gum graft.  Yay me. That might be the injury part. In my pocket, I can feel my phone buzzing over and over. It turns out multiple people were letting me know Elizabeth Warren was out. Great. The insult. 

I still wasn't 100% sure for whom to vote, but now my options are that much more limited. Keep in mind, "primaries" (for what they're worth anymore) go through May.  ....and people bitch about people who don't vote, as after a certain date in this process, I can see why those voters feel their vote doesn't matter. 

Anyhooo.........back to me. 

So it seems I had a similar procedure on the same tooth (14) 15 or 17 years ago. Bummer that this only lasts that long. Oh - the procedure it taking tissue / gum off other parts of your mouth and sewing it onto the area that is receding.  FUN!

The numbing wasn't all that pleasant, but nothing horrid. I mean, the topical anesthetic might have numbed some pain, but let me tell you, I still felt each and every shot. One more than the other.......

During the hour-ish long procedure, I noticed a few other shots being given, but never felt by this point.  Until....................the shot that went in the frenum (yeah, I never heard of it either). OMFG it hurt.  

It seems you have three frenum (yeah, I know, it sounds dirty too), and my second one is where most people's first is (or vice versa), so she thought she was injecting me (hehehe) in a place which was numb, but was not. 

The pain was so bad, I involuntarily lifted my back, which then seized up, so yayy.  Oh, and while the needle didn't though though my gum, teeth and cheek, whatever nerve it hit did.  This all happened in the course of seconds, but clearly my distress showed. 

The periodontist asked if I wanted a break, but I told them to just keep going, as best I could with things in my mouth (hehehe). 

And she didn't think it was funny when she rolled away so she could sneeze, and I go, "COVID-19??".  She goes, "you need to stop watching CNN?", said the woman who has (local) FOX on in her office. 

So a total of like 70 minutes and I was out. No eating on one side for a few days and cannot floss or brush in that area until the dressing falls off - that will be weird. 

I think my new billion dollar idea is synthetic gum. Stop cutting out my actual gum and doing a graft that will eventually recede itself. Just sew the chemistry lab creation and let it stay there forever. That's all Patent Pending, so don't even try to steal my intellectual property. 

Song by: Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

Wisdom

Yesterday was dentist day - as you can see. It was also full panel xray day too, not just the shitty bite-wings.

Afterward, the hygienist / xray tech said, "you've had your wisdom teeth out".   Ummm....yeah.  Twice.

Well two different sessions - years apart.

Internally, I started laughing at thinking about the second go-round. Honestly, they were extracted within a matter of minutes. My friend Jon came back to take me home.

On the way back, he was nice enough to take me to the pharmacy to get my pain meds. He sat in the car while I ran in. Naturally, there was a line, so I waited.

Customers and their children just looked at me. Stared, actually.  I smiled and nodded, as I am a nice guy, who might have been under the influence of anesthetic.

Meds in hand, Jon drives me to my door and goes on his merry way. I go upstairs and immediately go into the bathroom - and burst into laughter.

Due to the my mouth being pretty much numbed up, I felt nothing. No pain.

I also didn't feel the blood and saliva just seeping out of my mouth, into my goatee, down my neck and onto my shirt. Covered, I was.

Even in this state, I immediately flashed back on those pharmacy folks thinking I just came from  feasting on unicorns and drinking their blood in the Forbidden Forest.

Jon played it perfectly. Never once saying a word. He had a nicely worded messaged on his answering machine before he got home, if he could hear it between my laughs.

The recollection made being in the dentist chair a not so bad experience.



Song by: Delerium 

Born with Teeth

Yesterday was my bi-annual dental check-up. Semi-annual?

I love my dentist, but since year three of going there, I swear I have never had the same hygienist twice. And they only have two rooms - and one of them is where they do the 'work'.

The one I'm in - usually - is the cleaning room. So really, I only have access to one hygienist - it's just that they're constantly changing.

Dr. Dorothy seems like she'd be a nice boss, but maybe the profession is transient.

There seems to be no continuity in how they work. Some still scrape with tools that the cro-magnon men forged. They leave your gums hurting for hours. Some use the ultrasonic scraper - it's like a water pic, and while it shouldn't hurt, well, sometimes it hits a nerve in a completely different way than the scraper-thingy.

Either way - they never ask which way I want. They just do it. I just let them.

Yesterday it was the scrape method. Which means blood.

I don't give a fuck how good your oral hygiene might be, these bitches will make you bleed.


And every.fucking.time:   do you floss?

Yes, you wench. At least once a day - every day!

But I got a clean bill of dental health - and sent on my way with a new toothbrush.  "Is orange ok?". Like I give a fuck.


But the below video was on the Simpsons.

Remember the days when you never missed an episode of that show? Now I've missed complete seasons.  But some station has done a marathon of all 20-something seasons of them back to back. I accidentally caught (part of) one I have never seen - it was a PSA for dental hygiene:  Menace Tooth Society - featuring Ludicrest.

This is exactly what I assume goes on in the microscopic world of dental hygiene.



Baby Got Back-teria.

I think that made it for me. 

Song by: Cock Robin

Loose Tongue

All clear.

What a month and a few visits to the otolaryngologist will do for a man.

As reported on over a month ago, and kindly asked to follow-up on by a few readers, it seems I am a-okay in terms of any oral cancer.

My first ENT appointment showed improvement already over the pictures that were sent his way from my dentist. I had residual stuff from the spots that were there, but he said they had "lessened".

On my visit last week, he said they were all gone.

On both my visits, he asked how my tongue felt. He couldn't seem to grasp that I was asymptomatic and never felt anything odd, raised or painful. Hell, I couldn't even seem them without the aid of a digital camera.

He was a nice guy but had no answers. It could have been viral. It could have been erythema anulare centrifugum. I know, right?

Most likely it was the former, but no way of really knowing. I mean, I'll get checked by the DDS in December, so hopefully there is no recurrence.

On a plus note: the last ENT appointment was the quickest doctor's visit I've ever had. In and out in seven minutes.

It's like sex - but without the need for a towel.



Song by: Neil Finn

Tip of My Tongue

Isn't this the ultimate selfie?

A pic of my dentist taking a pic of me.

How very meta.

And technically she was taking a picture of my tongue.

During your semi-annual dental check-ups, your dentist is actually required (I believe) to do an oral cancer screening check.

All that consists of is taking a piece of gauze and lifting your tongue to look around and under it to make sure you have nothing going on - at least in that region. It's painless and takes seconds - I've never given it much thought.

But at my first cleaning of 2014, back in June, Dr. Dorothy took extra time looking at my mouth. I know the routine, so I know how long it takes. The longer she took, the more uncomfortable I felt - mentally, not physically. When she asked the hygienist to get her camera, I had a very mild "oh fuck" moment.

You know my theory on my doctor visits: anything that can go wrong will. This includes the dentist, but usually to a lesser degree.

On that first visit - oh yes, there's been more than one at this point - she used a real digital camera. She pointed out where I had 'a spot'. It's probably nothing, she said. Possibly from some hot / spicy food I ate in the last week, so to be sure, we'd look at it in two weeks.

I get the need for benchmarking something like this. Save for six months prior, she had nothing with which to compare, so it might be gone and no problem-o in a fortnight.

I tried to make light of it all and asked her how she would know which pics were mine, since she has a whole SD card full of Tongue Porn. She laughed. The new(er) hygienist didn't know what to think of me.

Get in line, honey.

Fast forward two weeks and I get the same look-see and again, it's not a quick evaluation. It should have been, but there was multiple looks and then the loupes went on for a more microscopic look.

And she couldn't find her digital camera and didn't know what to do, until I pointed out she had an iPhone. Lord.

These are her pics. I have no idea what she thought when I asked her to email them. I told her I was going to "something" with them - like xmas or valentine cards. She just rolled her eyes.

But per my earlier theory - what could go wrong.......

In two weeks, one spot had become two and the original one was bigger than it was 14 days earlier. Bummer.

The plan was.....kind of past tense.....to send the pics to an ENT to evaluate. Telemedicine is great, but I was feeling little comfort in this scenario. For the record, there is no sensation of pain, or any raised anything on the tongue. I'm very asymptomatic.

I mean, 15 months prior to, if you remember, I had that free Oral, Head & Neck cancer screening and walked away a winner. Even at my December 2013 dental visit, not an issue of any kind.

So I wait....and I wait.....and I wait. And hear nothing.

I send emails. I placed a call about the sent emails. Finally the receptionist, goes, "oh, I haven't read email today".  My reply was....."well what about the last 10 days, since I've send three in the last 10 days?"  Crickets.

He said the doctor would get back to me within an hour. Do I want it to be an email or phone call. I say the latter. Three hours later, I get a message back via the former.  Lord.

The ENT hadn't read his email (allegedly) and now he's on vacation. Do I want to wait?

FUCK NO.  And not because I think I'm dying. I emailed carefully - considering I'm not sure the ENT is at fault or if the dentist's office never actually sent the materials timely - that if a doctor's office or their assistant cannot read an email for over two weeks, I don't want them treating me.

I love my dentist, but I was trying to send that office a strong message without needing to find a new one.

Of course the joke is on me. Every other fucking ENT in the world is booked or on vacation in July - trust me, I've tried. So I'm finally getting in on August 1st.

That new ENT did email the dentist back while he was on vacation. He too (allegedly) thinks it is nothing but wants to see it in person. I give him points for looking at his work email on vacation. I give his office points for saying he had not appointment slots until September, but they'd get me in anyways (even if they are possibly stretching the truth).

I am going in with full expectations of not just a look-see, but a biopsy. I mean, they have to make money right? Just viewing isn't a huge billable expense. They want the professional and technical charges.

I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing he won't be as down with me taking selfies during my exam. But that is not to say I won't try.

Since you know me and my worst-case scenario, I already told 710 that if I have oral cancer, I'm doing nothing. They're removing nothing. Oral or Head and Neck cancer is absolutely horrible. I won't live with half a jaw and shit like that. I don't want to end up looking like Roger Ebert.

Shallow?  Perhaps.  But I stand by it.



Song by: the Civil Wars

Brushes

I know you want to know about my semi-annual (or is it bi-annual?) dental check-ups.

Look Ma, no cavities.

I love my dentist. She's great, but the entire process I could do without - thought I am 100% better about my fears than I was as a teen through my mid-30s.  Actually, I'm quite stoic when going to and being in that chair.

I've already had eight fillings done without Novocaine.  I've had a crown - that was botched. A redone crown.  I've had gum grafts and a few cracked fillings.  I'm only a set of partials away from being my father.

710 and I share the same dentist, as you might imagine.  Maybe not.  I don't know the dental habits of married couples - gay or straight.

Poor 710 - Dr. Dorothy always yaks on about me during his visits. I'd say about 50% of the time I get "so, how is 710....?" and that's where she just moves onto how are my sisters.

Dr. Dorothy doesn't know my sisters, has never met them and for the life of me, I don't remember initially talking about them. How can you talk at all with equipment or fingers in your mouth? Yet, she remembers and I end up talking more about them there than I even do at my parent's house - which admittedly, still isn't much.

I did all my pre-check routines before leaving the house:  brush? yes.  floss? yes.  bi-lateral boogerectomy?  yes (what? I'm going to be laying back with them seeing right up my nostrils!).  nose-hair trimming?  yes. (see the boogerectormy reason).  tongue scraping and brushing of said tongue?  yes.

I could only figure my breath wasn't bad - but if it was they didn't say anything, nor could you see a curled up nose with those masks they wear.

It was also xray day.  Lots of xrays for some reason.  Not just the bite-wing, but an entire series that would be more like a panorex.  I have no idea why.  And I also didn't get a lead vest for it - not that I'm so worried about radiation exposure.

As it turns out, all teeth were healthy. So were the gums. I got commended on my gums.

The new hygienist was fine.  She told me I had a 'wild tongue' and it was 'defensive'.  ...I'm sure that's what all my previous "dates" have said too.

But in reality, as much as I've come not to fear the dental arts, when they jab your gums, or scrape your teeth - yes, I try to keep Mr. Tongue out of the way.

I'm good for another six months.



Song by:  Fleetwood Mac

The Cave

You can't say you weren't warned.  Nothing big happened yesterday - that I know of.

Sure Jerry Sandusky is headed somewhere where buttfucking in the shower is not only not looked down upon, but is actually a requirement. In a way, he should be a happy man.

But that really has nothing to do with me, so what's the point of going on about it.

So instead, you get the dentist - just as I foretold. I'm like a Medium. Certainly I'm not rare nor am I well done.

The appointment went well. As you can see, it was xray time, which can always be iffy. It's a chance when they find problems and let's face it, I'm not a kid anymore, so these chompers won't last forever.

Still, there was no cracked fillings, no cavities, no decay. And I got a free toothbrush to add to  the dozen and a half I already possess.

I know most people who are about to go to the dentist obsess about brushing their teeth et al before heading to their appointment. I care, but I don't care.  I'm paying them to clean them better than I ever could, one more brushing session isn't going to undo a potential of six months of neglect.

Myself?  I have different priorities for the dentist visits. You lean back in that chair for 20-40 minutes, and sure they're working on your mouth, but they can see up your schnoz.

My #1 goal is to make sure there are no bats in the cave, not if there is something between my incisor and molar. They'll pick that out............they won't pick my nose.

Yeah - these posts have to get better.



Song by: Mumford & Sons

The Letter

Yeah, I know that the image doesn't say 'letter' in any way, shape or form. Work with me here.

The image is a view from my dental chair yesterday. Yes, it was my semi-annual cleaning. Of course, I hope that's all it ever is, and I was not disappointed. Some x-rays, scraping, picking, brushing and flossing.

Oh and they did some oral cancer screening too. That was new. Sounds like it might be part of new Medicare guidelines. ....not that I qualify for Medicare...........yet. But Mcare is what most reimbursement policies are based on - no matter who your payor is. There - you just learned something. Oh - and I don't have any kind of oral cancer! Bonus!!!!!

I got a clean bill or dental health. Dental. Not Mental. They're not miracle workers.

But I did find something more painful than going to the dentist: the post office.

OMFG!

I am all for cutting funding and Saturday deliveries. Cut the entire fucking program and make it even more privatized. Kids currently running a lemonade stand could be more efficient.

If - and it is such a big word for only two letters - this branch worked 25 times better/harder than they did yesterday, it still would have made Barbaro look fast - and that would have been after they put him down.

Mind you I was only one of two customers there when I arrived - the first guy took forever! He had an expired PO Box, no ID, no money - yet (and get this) - they still let him renew and gave him keys to a fucking box. Mind you, that only took 18 minutes, but I don't know how long he was there before me.

I had a certified letter I had to pick up. One sent from our city, which is in horrible financial shape, yet they pay for a letter to be signed for which was such a non-event, there was nothing that could not have been sent via regular mail.

The lady took my request and then I think she went on break. She was gone for 12 minutes!!!!! I was so mad, I just stood there and peeled the dead skin off my arms and let the flakes fall where they may. I'm surprised I didn't hit blood vessels, but there was a pile of flesh on the floor. By this time there were about six folks behind me, I'm sure watching me scrape my arms. (btw....I did blister horribly, and oozed earlier, so I'm going with my 2nd degree sunburn.)

I won't even go into the signature process, but the entire time I watching the clock because I had this dentist appointment. I built in an extra 45 frickin' minutes for the post office (including travel time) and still ran late......all to pick up a letter.

Who'd have ever thunk that going to the dentist would be the highlight of the afternoon??

On the plus side, my dentist has FINALLY upgraded their equipment from 1964 to almost modern day!!! I was so happy, I almost smiled..........



Song by: Nat'lie Merchant

Fill Me Up

I don't think I mentioned that last month I had my semi-annual teeth cleaning.

If I didn't, I know I didn't mention that I had a filling that needed to be replaced. Or as Dr. Dorothy said, "....or possibly fit you for a crown. I'll know better once I get in there."

Yikes! I mean - you all know how I love the dentist (sarcasm, people). Ok, I don't mind it as much anymore because I'm anal about my oral hygiene, but there was a time that made me squeamish to go.

Most of that was due to my original fillings all being done without Novocaine. Including this one, which contrary to people saying - "oh, they were probably just little pits which is why you got nothing" - Dr. D said, "it's a really deep one" (that's what she said!").

But like a trooper, after spin class on Saturday (and before Rosanne Cash - man I had a busy Saturday), I trekked to the dentist office and reclined back in that chair for 35 minutes of drill and fill.

I walked in and said, "numb me within an inch of my life" - and they did. I always hear people complain about the shot, but they don't bother me. Yes, the one in the palate hurt a little, but hardly unbearable. After that, I just let them do what they had to do.

Actually, what I also said was: "just because it is a downward economy, don't just be putting a crown in me to get extra cash!". She laughed. I was only half kidding.

I only took one picture - as ugly as it is. ..and it's not even of my mouth.

I wanted one of my mouth but it was too hard to get. Tooth #14 sits in the way way back. Though she did insist on showing it to me via mirror after the filling came out, but before it was refilled. HUGE hole....for a tooth, I guess.

She wanted to make sure I knew that the tooth would be filled with a combination of regular filling stuff and some super glue kind of stuff....so the tooth would hold together! Nice!!!! With that much drilled out - along with additional decay, though the tooth was saved, there is just a lot less of it for structural support.

I love getting older (oooh. sarcasm again!)

But the filling was about 32 years old, so it was time, I guess. That is two new fillings in as many years. I have six others from the same era. Maybe five. That one crown I actually do have might have been a filling long ago.

Oh - and they couldn't do an off-white colouring. Like I care. If anyone can see that far back into my mouth, I should give them something to actually see!

I got out without any blood, sweat or tears. And didn't use the iPhone for music. Nothing seems to cut through that drilling noise, so why bother? Someone would make a fortune designing a silent dental drill. That's 86% o the anxiety anyway.

Oh, btw....I used yoga to my advantage during this too. You involuntarily find yourself tensing up during these kinds of sessions and I just used some stuff to really relax my neck, face and inside of my mouth.

Seriously - one of the things I love about yoga is how much tension we carry around in our face and mouth. If you can relax the latter, the former follows. It helped immensely in the dental chair.

So now I have additional metal in me, which means I weigh more! Bother!



Song by: Shawn Colvin