Sunday, July 26, 2009

Too Funky

There are downsides to working out. It's true.

Yes, we overlook them (or try) to get that better body, better mental state or just improve our overall health.

Did you know it is almost impossible to get through a spin or yoga class without performing a bilateral boogerectomy? It's true.

Ok - I am speaking for me. I cannot speak for all. But breathing is essential, especially in yoga. It is important to have a soft face in your practice. It is as much about breathing as it is about contorting your body into positions you never thought you could. The inhalations and exhalations are vital to keeping you centered and concentrating on what you're doing.

Ditto (to a degree) with spinning. You gotta keep your airways clear to do 60 minutes of intense cardio/aerobic exercise. So, yes, getting rid of your snot is important. Not pretty, but important. It's true.

And since shoes are off in yoga - for g-d's sake, make sure you keep those toe nails clipped. I'm talking to me - not others. I don't know if anyone else pays attention, but some days if they did - oy! So I'm much more diligent about these kinds of things. You'll thank me later as these things pass over onto other aspects of life.

I know I've gone on here before about my lack of deodorant usage. And while I sweat now, I also shower. I do not think I smell, but if I did, I would think I would want someone to tell me. I think. Of course, it depends in the manner which they bring it to my attention.

Twice a week I play Russian Roulette at spin class. There is a woman who attends, that for the longest time, no matter where I'd sit, finds a place directly in front of me. I'm downwind, if you will. It isn't pretty. It's actually quite rancid. It's true.

...and it is not me who is the offender. I've checked. My nose has gone to my pit too often for me not to know.

I know she rides her bike to the gym, I've seen her. But clearly she hasn't showered since at least the day before. At least. We haven't even started class and I immediately have to rework my strategy to get through the next hour by breathing through my mouth entirely. It's that bad. It's true.

The last few weeks, I've played around with my seating assignment. I'm a creature of habit and like what I like - and even if I don't my OCD tells me what to do. To complicate matters, the room is set up where I can only sit in certain places. In spin, you stand and stretch - and with HVAC ducts and sprinkler systems (and my height), I have exactly three of the seven rows which I can use. So I'm limited.

I'd come early to pick a new bike, she'd find me. I'd come in later and be stuck with the only bike that meets those above parameters - which would happen to be behind her. Yesterday, I did something I hate: I sat in the front row - directly in front of Andy (the dreamy/geeky instructor). I took an end seat so there were not bikes to my left and another woman was to my right. My problems were solved.

...or so I thought.

Smelly Girl ended up one row over from me and two rows back. Ok - not an issue - far enough away that she's someone else's problem.

...or so I thought.

Two minutes into the class, Blobby was striving to survive by once again, only breathing through his mouth. I was sitting almost directly in front of the AC too, so air was not only coming my way but should have been blowing the smell backwards to the less fortunate in the room. Then I realized, I think we were all the less fortunate.

The people to the sides of her, behind her and in front - all victims. Though I haven't confirmed it with anyone else, I can't be the only one to be affected by this - right?

Someone has got to tell this chick, but I don't see why it should have to be me. I have no idea how to go about this. Tell Andy? Tell the gym staff?

But I know what will happen. No one will want to make her feel bad, so nothing will be said and nothing will change.

It's true.

Song by: George Michael


Larry Ohio said...

I can't believe you are too chicken to say something.

Just pull her aside and tell her PRIVATELY that she tends to get quite ripe. She'll either thank you profusely for having more courage than the others, or you'll never see her again. Either way the problem is solved. It's a win/win.

tornwordo said...

She might appreciate it. Of course she'll never come back to that class if you bust her. Maybe it's win-win.

tornwordo said...

I guess I just said what larry said. Oops didn't read his comment first. My bad.

A Lewis said...

okay, as you well know, I'm a sucker for boy stink...good boy stink. And it is, indeed, the funniest of things that happen in yoga classes. All during one single hour...the odd, the funny, the strange.