C'MON - GET HAPPY!

So a little about Pittsburgh. Technically we went to see Rosanne Cash - as it was the closest she was coming to Cleveland while she tours. ....more on that in the next post. This one is about Pittsburgh.

Other events were happening in town that weekend too - so we had 'opportunity'. One being Pittsburgh Pride.....which we didn't know about until after it was over. The other being the Three Rivers Arts Festival.

I've determined if you've seen two arts festivals, you've pretty much seen them all. Half of what they exhibit is stuff that restaurants buy and throw a bunch of crazy crap on the wall and call it kitsch. It's not. It is usually crap. There are only so many colour-tinted black and white pictures of neon signs or adobe doorways that one can stand. Half the stuff we saw a week ago at the Chagrin Falls arts festival. Have shit will travel! (more on this in a future post.)

Invariably I make a comment about the art (or lack thereof) and find the artist sitting not in the booth - but directly behind me. I can't believe they haven't heard it before.........and worse.

The hotel should have been nice, sitting directly across from a park at the confluence of the three rivers. The same park where Rosanne's free concert was to take place. We really figured it would be decent since as we were checking in, overheard a promoter/manager making Cash's arrangements to stay just two floors above us. I'm not one for being starstruck - but I really thought it would be neat to run into her (it didn't happen).

The room and floor are ok, though quite dated. But on a return trip after walking around, the entire floor was odorous. I says to Denton, I says: "did the entire Partridge Family get rooms on this floor?" This being a less than vague reference (to those old enough to remember anyway) to the episode where a skunk gets on their bus and sprays them all. Hilarity ensued (at least to an 8 year old). Yes - the entire 22nd floor smelled of skunk! Denton thought maybe it got pulled in by the HVAC system - but aren't those usually on the roof?

...and yes, I will go low here, but say it as nice as possible: people of Pittsburgh are not attractive.

I do not say this lightly. I clearly have my own issues w/self-presentation, but save one crown, I at least have my own teeth. Or, I have teeth. A surprising number of residents don't even have any.....let alone their own.

I remember eons ago when Morty and I went out in Pittsburgh and I mentioned that I never felt so attractive. It was a joke. Kind of. But as years went by and I remembered that 'joke', I chalked it up to being young. No longer young - I realize I stumbled upon a horrible realization that I was right the first time.

For whatever reason, this 'arts fest' had booths for Sensodyne toothpaste and Lady Shick. The latter being a huge pink semi. I wasn't sure if they were shaving everyone's legs and pits or not (I mean, it was pride weekend!) - but they kept saying they were giving makeovers.

Below is one proud Proud PROUD makeover 'victim'. How do we know? She told anyone who'd listen. For the record, I'm not making fun of anything other than how she dressed - which well.....is suspect at best. I don't know what they did during the 'makeover', but clearly it had nothing to do w/apparel or appropriate use of.














The faux embroidery on her pant leg is a nice touch - but personally, the peach Hanes Her Way panties really make the outfit.....which of course, is off-set by the (b)acne!

The funniest thing actually came from Denton himself. He turns to me and says: "remember in the Simpsons when Patty or Selma sees Homer naked?" (it was Patty) ..and it was all he really had to say b/c I knew the follow-up line (DUH): "There goes the last lingering shred of my heterosexuality . "

PRE-POST

Listen, it's Sunday night. It's been a rougher few days than it should have been. A whirlwind trip to Pittsburgh (which are going to culminate in a good three posts.....not necessarily three good posts. But until then, this is what you get.

We're back. Well, I'm back - Denton is off to someplace equally as hot as Cleveland is today (92f).....Gainesville, FL.

One of my sisters rang my cell right as we were walking out to breakfast. No, I didn't tell anyone I was going out of town. I'm forty-frickin-two years old. Did I have leave an itinerary? Apparently I might have to (though I kind of thought that's what cells were for).

Dad is back in the hospital w/pneumonia. Still as to unsure how he got it, but he does. I have to say, he looked the best he has in months - since before his heart attack. Go figure. We drove from PGH to the hospital. 1hr 50min. Ok, I sped. Big whoo!

So, I let my youngest sister know, but only b/c I really called w/another question. Mind you it's 1p at this point. She gets all bent out of shape b/c my mother never called her to tell her. I ask if she was coming over to the parent's house today and she says she has other plans.......w/a cook-out at her house (she lives 25 minutes away - and that's driving IN the speed limit).

After the call I got my panties a little bit in a wad. She's upset that my mother didn't call? She has other plans for the day. Father's Day! ...and it's 1p. umm..........had she bothered to call (or try to) to wish her father his wishes, maybe she'd have procured some of this information. But no........she feels inconvenienced that no one told her.

...and this people, equates to the grown-up reason I chased her around the house w/a butcher knife. I'm just sayin'.........



But Dad is doing good. He's in only for the night (supposebly). IV antibiotics. He's 85 and let's face it, pneumonia is right up there w/the top reasons the elderly end up dying. Better safe than sorry. He was glad to see us - and in good spirits. Wait till he sees the wireless network I set up in his house this afternoon for when he gets home!

FROM THE DOCTOR'S DINING ROOM...

The other day while eating in the physician's dining room w/two co-workers, I heard a brief, yet (to me) exchange:

Kathy: "Is tonight 'date night" for you still?"
Mike: "Yeah. What are you doing?"
Kathy: "I have to go to Carol's and sit Shiva then go get new tires"

(pause)

Mike: ".....what kind of tires?"


I started laughing...I couldn't help it. On so many levels this was funny. Mike never inquired about the deceased or this Carol person. Just knowing what I knew about these two - neither could possibly know what Shiva was in the first place. I would have assumed that would have been THE follow-up question.

But most of all - Mike's delivery was flawless.

ANN....YOU IGNORANT SLUT!

Ok, you have to love Henry Rollins.

I mean - you do! And for sooooo many reasons. I'll be the first to say I'm not a huge fan of Black Flag or the Rollins Band. I'd say his acting is ok, but in reality the only thing I've truly seen him in is in some horrible movie that "starred" (and I use that term loosely) Charlie Sheen and the chick who played Buffy (the movie Buffy, not SMG-Buffy).

Rollins' spoken word tours are great. Those spoken words that have turned into books are good. We no longer get the Independent Film Channel, where Mr. Rollins has his own show, but ruckiry (not Jon's boss), you can few shorts/clips on-line. This one segment of Letter from Henry made me smile/laugh/feel good.

I'd say it's work-friendly, and for the most part it is - but in truth, he drops the f*bomb a few times.

GO JAKE, GO!

I cannot stand to read that Shrub went to Iraq or how his polling numbers are up slightly b/c of a bombing that took out al-Zarqawi. I can't stomach that Rove got off when we all know he's guilty as sin.....and about so much more than the Valerie Plame leak.

...so I have a better news item I'm psyched about. Jake! He's a 15lb tabby who protected his territory / yard by chasing a black bear up a tree. Twice.

You won't find my cats doing that. They look at squirrels and yawn.

In the attached pic - you can see little Jake at the bottom of the tree looking up.

ALL OVER THE PLACE. again.

As loyal-ish readers will know - whenever I wake up w/a song already in my head (not one I think of after I'm up - but already playing), well...I blog it.

This morning: Hey St. Peter. I didn't even know who did it. I had to Gooooogle it. Turns out it's Flash & the Pan. Imagine MY surprise!

True to my split personality.....once again, I'm all over the place musically. Yeah, I probably still listen to more "good......but down" music - and probably even still gravitate towards the female.

I've really liked Nelly Farturdo's song Promiscuous. I think anyone who knows me would say it's not my style - and I love it. ...and her voice is incredibly weak on the recording. It really could be anyone.

But I stumbled across Sam Bush this last week. His song "The River's Gonna Run" is a great folk/country diddy. I love Julie Miller (who wrote it) and Emmylou Harris who sings/plays on it.

Joe-Blob says check 'em out.

.....and would you believe.............?

it's not even a gay bar.

This almost beats Tom Green's idea for a gay bar at the Grand Canyon:

Boy Gorge

ka-CHOW

We went to go see Cars over the weekend. The plan was to take some of the nieces and nephews, but they went out of town w/their parents. But we still wanted to go and decided that maybe going by ourselves first and taking them later isn't such a bad thing. When taking them to Finding Nemo, the squirming, the trips to the bathroom, etc - well I never even knew Nemo was missing, let alone needed to be found. This way we'd actually get to see the movie.

As Pixar movies go, it was pretty good. It is not as humourous as Toy Story 2 or as clever/engaging as The Incredibles (I never really cared for Nemo and definitely not for, as I call it, Monster's Ball Inc). Though Cars' storyline could have been beefed up a bit, I guess you have to appeal to the masses (i.e. the tots) and not get into something they don't understand and has to be explained. As it is, at two hours in length, the last twenty minutes had almost every kid in the place losing interest and chattering out loud.

The good thing about going to the movies w/out the kids is to be able to enjoy them for the little things: the quick references that make me laugh (the verbal and non), or that NPR's Click and Clack make an appearance that most would overlook. Though there are so many quick/missed references, it make the movie ripe for DVD viewing/pausing.

There are a lot of bad movies out there - so Cars was good fun. If you can overlook Owen Wilson's (shock!) mediocre voice acting (yes, acting! see Holly Hunter's performance in The Incredibles) it's probably even better. For what it's worth - Jeremy Piven and Tony Shaloub were great. ..and I somehow found the ability to separate Mater, the tow truck, from Larry the Cable Guy (who actually pretty much steals the movie). Even Sheryl Crow's song didn't suck (!!!) (and lately, that's not a small thing!. Though the Randy Newman penned/James Taylor sung, what I dubbed the "Love Theme from Cars", is a blatant blatant blatant bid for Oscar contention.

Joe-Blob says check it out.

MISSED EVENTS

The weekend brought some missed events:

No Kidding - which is a group for childless and (more importantly?) child free people/couples. NPR's Weekend America had an interesting segment on a couple who had known they had no parental tendencies and opted not to have children. The man, amazingly enough, had a vasectomy at 23 years old, he was so sure.

Of course, that always brings thoughts of my choice never to have kids. I know...I know what you're thinking.....but it's not because of my sexuality that I don't have kids (well, it's ONE of the reasons). I feel like I've relayed this story somewhere in the blog before, so suffer through it again.

At 16 I had to babysit my sister, 3yrs younger than myself. She got on every frickin' nerve I had. The straw breaking my hump was putting a pack of cream cheese in the microwave....in its foil. For those who might not know the outcome, this causes a fire!!! She just refused to assist in doing anything about that or take any responsibility. I snapped. There was a butcher knife handy. Fortunately she was quicker than I was. Honestly, I could be cellmates w/Charles Manson had I caught her.

...but after she locked herself in her room and as I was cracking her doorframe trying to bust in, I had an epiphany: "I am never ever ever going to have kids! (That really sounded more violent and icky than it really was - or that I remember.)

(BTW....if you Goooooogle 'no kidding' and go to Images, one of the first images is of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman! LOL!!!)

The other event was the YearlyKos, a liberal blogging conference/convention/gathering in Las Vegas. I think it would have been an interesting, fun and frustrating time. This blog isn't reaching the audience of DailyKos, so I don't really know how or if they incorporate the small blogs into this event. Maybe it would be fun to go next year.

....and so you know........what happens in Vegas is immediately blogged from Vegas!

TIME OUT

It was a little short film (was that redundant?) I saw on Showtime a few years ago. It's a little over 7min long and pretty much work-safe. It might take a minute to load.




I know I'm posting a video. It is an easy-out for a weekend post. I mean, does everyone want to hear about the really crappy waitress we had at mexican resturant last night???

THE YEAR OF MAGICAL DRINKING

Long ago, in a city far far away (ok....like 2 hrs west of here) we had a great house to grow-up in, as I remember. We moved to Sylvania when I was two or so and I wasn't six when we moved from there, so I didn't really have much to compare it to. Oddly enough, the house was a similar set-up to where my parents moved in Chagrin. The difference was we had stools to sit at the kitchen counter.

The neighbourhood was lively w/lots of kids that ranged from my oldest sister down to my youngest. I remember most everyone getting along (I guess except for that kid who ran over another sister w/his bike, breaking her collarbone).

Our house seemed to be a gathering place for kids closer to my age...and my mother welcomed them all.

On some hot days my mother served Magic Water (trademark pending...............not). Sure, now we're told to drink eight 8oz glasses per day, but this was 1965-68. I'm not sure we knew that back then. We always kept a pitcher of water chilled in the refrigerator. Again, w/the year! There were no water dispensers in the fridge itself.

I'd say 5 or 6 of us would come in from playing and my mother would pour us water. Magic Water. Before she'd poor the water, she'd go into some gibberish about making our water turn colour. From the clear pitcher (or perhaps the tap if she really wanted to throw us off), into a clear glass, she'd pour. And the water would be blue! or green! or red!!! Each glass a different colour. Just as quickly she'd wave her hand over the pitcher and pour a clear glass of water.

FREAKY.

All the kids were astounded.....including us. The mothers in the neighborhood would call my mother asking what was going on, obviously after the kids ran home babbling about my mother's Magic Water. I have no idea what, if anything she told them. She probably kept her secrets.

Kids being kids would beg to know how she did it. She definitely didn't tell them. And kids being kids w/their short attention span never caught on.

Her trick? Either knowing we'd be coming by soon (or just in front of us, but we were too distracted to know), she'd put a drop of food colouring in the bottom of each glass. When water hits the glass - presto!

It was such an easy thing - and such a crowd pleaser. It still makes me smile.

What I find interesting is that. as far as I know, she's never done it for her grandkids. And I'm not sure any of my sisters have done it for their kids and their friends.

MOTORCYCLE MAMA (well.....I'm assuming)

At 12:40 this morning, Denton and I were awoken by some lady yelling. Not 'HEP ME! HEP ME!' yelling, but just general screaming. It sounded like an argument at first, but the words were pretty much inaudible - partially due to the distance (100 yds away or so) and my sleepiness.

...but since I was up, hell, I may as well pee - right? I could still hear the 'talking' from my bathroom and the window was shut.

For those who don't know - our house sits up on top of a hill at the edge of the heights (should any of that be upper case? probably, but who cares). Our 'front' yard (really, don't axe about the quotes) goes down a hill to MLK - which is a 3 lane, one way road. It can get a little loud w/traffic, especially as it is a route to two major hospitals (read: lots of sirens). We're pretty much use to the noise.

Anyhoo, through the trees, I could see what little traffic there was, slowing down. Even a city bus slowed down and changed lanes when he saw/heard the ruckus. I heard the word 'fire', but that's about it.

When I got back to the bedroom, Denton was looking out another window, but we really couldn't' see anything. We went back to bed, but I wasn't sleeping. I think he was in dreamland about 2.5 minutes after crawling back in.

...but then the sirens came.....as I knew they would. It sounded like one fire truck. The rumbling of the idling diesel engine bothered me more than the yelling or the sirens. I finally slept after the truck left. Honestly, they could have been there 10 minutes or 2 hours - I have no frame of reference. I do know I slept until my alarm went off, which I never do. Blobby was (and is) tarred.

So, I have to go down MLK to get to work (one of those two major hospitals, dontcha know) and what do I see about 100 yds from our street on the sidewalk? A motorcycle burned to the core.


How the fuck did THAT happen? Was it being driven by a drummer from Spinal Tap?? Do these things just catch fire?

How did these folks not get burned? I heard no ambulance....and trust me, I know that sound like no one else! I'm waiting to see how many days or weeks it will take for someone to actually move the burned out mess.

SHAVE & A HAIRCUT - TWO BITS

Naughty Bits, in fact. Ok, implied naughty bits.

Norelco Noelco finally ditches that frickin' ad from 45 years ago w/Santa riding a razor for something more contemporary and hilarious (or at least humourous) that will never play on TV. Ever. The web is a wonderful marketing tool - isn't it?

...and here I am schilling for something I don't own and won't buy. Someone in marketing/advertising will tell you it's not to move more product, but for brand recognition. Whatever. I probably just proved them right.

It's work appropriate. At least there is no nudity or bad words. How's that to pique your interest?

A few tips on the site (not to imply that my readers are not savvy enough to figger this out on their own - but just call it a time-saving tip):

• After you think the ad is over, the 'actor' will prompt you for things - or at least make cocky gestures.
• When you think you're through the initial piece, make sure you go to the lower left corner main menu and work your way though each menu item. (hint: on 'testimonials' - you have to hit the next button on the Razor phone for next message)

Watching this - I couldn't help flash back 10yrs or so ago, sitting in Barbary Lane (yes, a bar) w/Morty and Tom G openly discussing who shaves what and how frequently. Becky was there too - and since she knew us all too well (oh - and we were DRUNK!) she wasn't too too shocked or appalled by the conversation. Most of the time I just sat there drinking my beer out of a mug shaped like a boot. .....I kid you not.

6/6/06 = SNORE

If I have to fuckin' see one more article on this I'm gonna vomit. However, in some paper I read over the weekend, the theological takes on it were amusing.......in a good way. How numerically, it is more likely reference would be 616 - and how there is little or nothing associating it w/the anti-christ.

And let me tell you, the anti-christ is here already. And he/she/they have the perfect disguise: 'christians'....tearing down decency, 'morals', human and civil rights, etc all in the name of their saviour.

PEOPLE FROM THE PAST

For whatever reason, the last week or so I've been thinking about people from my past (just as the title says). Maybe other people go through this little ritual. Normally I do not, but when I do, it comes out of nowhere or for no apparent reason.

As previously posted here - I've never sought out anyone from high school. I've never been back, never attended a reunion and never intend to. Now and again I get mailings from said school - usually addressed to my parents, but coming to my address. Just another indication that even though it's been 25 years since graduation, a faction of my past does not consider a grown-up.

But something the other day triggered a thought of one of my teachers: Clem Caraboolad. Mr Caraboolad was one of those people who pass through ones life, but makes a significant impact. He taught Geometry and Eastern Religions. He was cool. Too cool to pay any attention to some dorky freshman. Yet when in his room, he wouldn't treat the seemingly social outcasts (read: me) any different than the popular kids.

His room was strung w/xmas lights - and no overhead lights were ever on. His classroom had no desks. The chairs were ripped out car seats, recliners, bean bags and the like. The first and last five minutes of class he played rock music (of his choosing). The room had a dart board too. Students would congregate there after school while waiting for their bus.

It was during these times my first year (at that time, one took Geometry sophomore year) that he would subtly encourage me to play darts or be part of a discussion. He treated every student the same - popular kids fared no better in his eyes. To someone who always felt different (and probably every teenager did - but I'm all about me!) this was a huge thing. He showed potential of what a just world could be. This is no small thing - even if another 4 billion people didn't live up to this ideal.

Do not get me wrong. He did not single me out or spend any significant time w/me. But for the time in his class (for work or play) he made me feel included. In high school, that is probably the best one can ask for.

Mr. Caraboolad was young - less than 20 years older than myself....but he was old/wise enough to know how to psychologically incorporate equality in student development and young enough to understand where we were coming from and be able to relate where we would trust him.

The seemingly unruly environment of his class worked to his advantage - and to mine. After the opening 5 minutes - it was down to work. I would get As. IN MATH. That never happened to me - before or again. He'd teach w/fun. How better than to learn Geometry than to put it to practical use - how to play pool? Personally, I think it was equal parts his teaching style along w/a teacher one liked and respected, so students rose to the occasion to do good work. It makes all the difference.

We'd have other days of fun. Very Tiny Car Races. Basically, Hot Wheels track set up all through the class. Or Rock and Roll day. We go to vote on the best music (and worst) and he'd play some of it - educating us on music too.

A few years after I graduated, I understand he actually left to teach at another school....so he could coach football. Hearing this years later kind of floored me. This was a man who seemingly cared nothing for sports. He did nothing w/any organized sport at my school. One almost felt betrayed that he ended up trading his career to hang w/the jocks. Did popularity win out......again?

He died in 1988 at the age of 43, whic is just a little older than I am now (ok ok....two months older.....off my back!), and though this post doesn't adequately convey exactly how he impacted me, he could be confident that he did.

GOTTA LOVE THE GOP

Ok....actually you don't.

I continue to open mail from a former tenant of the former owner of our house (c'mon Alberto Gonzalez.......come and get me!). If you remember from a previous post the former tenant is seemingly on a major right right right wing list. Of course, middle of the road conservatives, to me, are the FAR right.

So this mailing is for Greg Parke, who is running for U.S. Senate in Vermont. The letter starts off like this....

It was May 24, 2001. That's the day Sen. Jim Jeffords of Vermont stole a Republican Senate seat. You haven't forgotten, have you?

...and it goes downhill from there. Words and phrases include: malicious orbetrayed or turned his back on and willingly handed liberal Democrats control of the U.S. Senate.. Not unlike that last WV GOPer I blogged about (who btw...lost their primary), the letter is four pages long! I know I have a short attention span - but the most attentive person you would have lost in a two page letter (me: it just takes one page).

Mind you - Jeffords isn't running in this election, but why not dredge up something like that. Are there swift boats in Vermont? And you see how well that Jeffords' defection gave the Democrats sooooooo much control of the Senate! IF you can find a 'liberal Democrat' in the senate....a true one who won't move to the middle to keep their seat or to not seem unpatriotic, PLEASE show them to me.

btw....Greg is 100% pro-life!!! Though he doesn't mention it - anyone care to wager he's pro-death penalty. And wouldn't that cancel out his 100% pro-life stance?

Ugh. Maybe it's not the way I should have started my Saturday morning.

YOU MUST ASSIMILATE

.....actually I don't. ....and I won't.

I HAVE NO GOOD TITLE FOR THIS POST I would have sworn the JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank was really a Star Wars sandcrawler. Apparently it is not - nor is it a toy or model since it costs almost $20k.

I don't know how amazon.com deemed it an item that I might be interested in, but they did. And it seems that at least 75 others stumbled upon it and reviewed it.......though I'd be highly skeptical if a single one of those guys owns it.

Though it might not be the weirdest thing that amazon sells, it definitely generates some of the the funniest reviews I have ever seen on their site. It's light reading for the end-of-the-month post.

BLOSSOM TIME II

Here is my favorite ride that was at Blossom Time. WTF?

Too bad the Flight 800 or Challenger simulation rides were already reserved for another festival!

I almost forgot......on the way to Blossom Time I did my good deed of the day. You'd think taking a 7, 5 and 3 yo to a crowded, hot festival would have been my good deed. But I went one better - stopping for an injured bicycler.

Coming over the crest of a hill I spotted him lying in the middle of the road....a motorcycle coming towards both of us. Denton was ready to dial 9-1-1, as I checked on him and then helped the rider up and out of the road - along w/his bike. Apparently, he had come out of his saddle to pump up the hill.....feet firmly in his clips when his chain broke. With no way to quickly dislodge his feet he went over - and went over hard. His shaved (ick) legs were unscathed, but one arm was badly bleeding. I had water and napkins in the car to help him clean the wound (it wasn't as bad after the blood was washed away) - and used my cell phone to call his parents to come get him. The man was in his 30s or 40s....and visiting from Canada. He had ridden a good 30 miles from his parent's house - but he refused a ride back there (or to the hospital). He was shaken - but fine....and I can only imagine another car coming over that ridge faster than I was and what his fate might have been.

BLOSSOM TIME I

I have not been to Blossom Time in what I'm guessing is 30yrs. Chagrin was never a great metropolis, but it sure has grown since I was a kid. The rides still look as unstable as when I was a pre-teen. The booths where the carnies have their games look just as seedy. Instead of blacklight posters as prizes, they are now ones of Jessica Simpson, the guy from Prison Break. Instead of face painting there is now temporary tattoos. Instead of stuffed Tweety Bird prizes, now you get SpongeBob. And of course, there is always the live goldfish in a Glad sammich bag for tossing the ping pong ball into the bowl.

The food - still corn dogs, elephant ears, french freedom fries and sno-cones. None of it seemed good for a day pushing 90 degrees when we arrived (94 when we left!). My niece and nephews seemed to have a good time - even though it took me until after we left to realized we didn't even do ONE kiddie ride. We had to make it to the parade. UGH. (I made it up by getting them ice cream on the way home.)

I don't remember the parade being unending (Blobby pretty much fried his un-SPF'd head during the 3.5 hrs we were there). We ended up sitting near the end of the parade route. By the time the participants got to us, well.....they just didn't have it in them. Maybe they didn't at the start......who knows. The marching band who by that time were just...well.....marching. Drums played....and no one else. But the boys loved the fire trucks - and I guess that is what mattered mostly.

...and bagpipes? Are there anything worse? And you can't have just one group.....there were two. I swear those "instruments" could raise the dead.....but not in a good way (is there a good way?). When are these guys gonna start dying off? Speaking of dying off, they say that X amount of WWII vets die daily. I now know the source of many of those: they are forced to carry massive flags in full dress uniform in 90+ degree weather for 2 miles.....and they're 85!!!! It's enough to make anyone keel over.

And when did parades become political events? There were more judge, representatives, congressmen, etc running for something than there were band members, shrines, fireman and soldier - combined!. Not only that, the fuckers didn't even throw candy? C'mon - a little something for the tykes who are out in the scortching heat if you even want me to entertain voting for you???

EVEREST

For the last decade or so, I've been enthralled w/Mt. Everest. I have a slight desire to go to Nepal to see it. I'm not a mountain climber nor do I have any interest in climbing Everest. Ever.

After reading Into Thin Air my OCD nature allowed me (?) to read most books on and watch most specials/movies on the subject. ....at least my Patricia Hearst phase is over!

But each April/May I eagerly anticipate the climbing season on Everest to see what stories come out of it. This year - nothing good. Most years nothing good - but this year is just tragic. 15 deaths so far. One of the highest climbing fatality seasons ever recorded. But if it were just due to conditions it would be one thing. Total disregard for human life to get to the summit goal is beyond belief.

The two big stories are the climber who was close to death and the 40 people who passed him saying 'oh, there was nothing that could be done'. ...and left him to die. Then there was the climber who was determined to already be dead, but then found to be alive. After being carried down a bit - he walked to base camp on his own. Could the other climber been in the same situation had anyone given a fucking crap about him?

Time and again, from my readings, on how climbers survive the mountain - who have thought to have been lost causes.

But one quote in the news items disturbed me more than others:

"The sheer pressure of numbers and accessibility to these mountains (have) changed the kind of people who go,'' said Lydia Bradey, a 44-year-old New Zealander who in 1988 became the first woman to summit Everest without supplemental oxygen.

As a result, Bradey said in a telephone interview, Everest climbers may be forced to decide whether to jeopardize their once-in-a-lifetime investment to help a dying person.

"If you're going to go to Everest ... I think you have to accept responsibility that you may end up doing something that's not very ethically nice,'' she said. "You have to realize that you're in a different world.''

G-d fuckin forbid that one accepts responsibility that you may end up giving up your dream and goal to do something that is morally and ethically CORRECT. It is, indeed, a different world.

And I think my OCD chain for Everest has been broken.

DOGGIE

We're still considering getting a pooch. Whiskers seems cute enough......except his name. That would have to go. But Petfinder had his pic rotated oddly. When I go an put it upright, I'm not sure he's AS cute as I thought. G-d, I hope I'm not talking myself out of a dog. We had to fill out a 6 page questionnaire just to even see Whiskers.

Of course, I had to overthink the questions. The right answer might not be what they are looking for. Dity had to tell me her thoughts from her shelter-working experience. He might not be the dog for us....but there is one out there.

Denton has never had a dog. Neither of us want to upset the cats. We love the cats.

STUPID WENCH

.....but to be fair, sometimes you just can't tell the difference.

OPRAH GOES TO CAMP

At first, I was confident that this was had to be a photoshopped picture.

But upon further investigation (ok....that might be too extreme. One Gooooogle search) shows that she indeed is going to Auschwitz w/Elie Wiesel.

But to the people in marketing: does she have to look so fuckin happy about it?

LXVII

Yesterday we met w/our financial planner. I cannot tell you what a funk I've been in ever since. I can't quite place the reason. In her terms, we're doing the right things on planning for the future. Sure, we can look at our expenses and see what we can cut back, but we're on track.

If I had to narrow my mood down to a specific reason, I can probably get it down to three. Maybe there is no specific reason. But let's break it down:

67. It's the age in which I can retire. Denton too. Only he'll be 70 by the time I retire. Doesn't seem like a lot of time to do things. I mean, between artificial hip and knee replacements - what are two old men to do?

24.3. More years of work until I reach 67. A frickin' quarter of a century left to go!!!! How incredibly depressing.

90. The actuarial age they used to plan our finances and retirement. I run out of money by the time I'm 90. Denton too. Oh, but by the time I hit 90, in our printed out timeline - Denton has xx next to him. Yes - he's DEAD!

In the best circumstances I don't want to live to 90. And I don't really want to live w/out Denton. In reality, I never thought I'd make t0 35. I think I'd be a lot farther ahead if I truly thought I would live this long. I would have started earlier than I did in my investment stuff - but the irony is, at that time, I wasn't making enough to really put too much away.

Afterward, I just walked down to Barnes & Noble and bought the new Dixie Chicks cd - while Denton hobbled behind me.....w/out his cane.

Monday Moaning etc

"Why are so many people, including clergy, raising a fuss about 'The Da Vinci Code' movie? Hello? It's based on a novel, which means it's fiction."

It's been awhile since I've done a Monday Moaning. They just haven't been Grandpa Simpson-y enough. This one isn't either - but it brings up a bigger thought(s). The Da Vinci Code is a novel. But in my estimation, for the most part, so is the bible. It's a great work of fiction.

Critics, consumers and Oprah (ha!) sit here and criticize James Frey for his work: A memoir. (disclaimer: I've never read James Frey and could care less about anything he puts to paper.) Apparently memoirs are based on experiences as the author remembers it. They need not to have everything corroborated. So in theory - all autobiographies are memoirs unless you have a factual basis for everything that hits the page. If not everything - then what is the threshold that makes the work 'true'?

....and where does this leave the bible? Stories handed down over decades or centuries before being put to paper. Stories that have no basis in fact. Stories - if exact same events were told today (i.e. parting of the Red Sea, fish and loaves, water to wine) would be written off by the 24 news cycle as looney news items. People claiming to be the 'son of g-d' would be given psychiatric evaluations and written off as nutso.

All these bible-reading, jesus-believing, g-d fearing folks all assume they will know 'him' when he comes again....b/c after all they are good christians (don't get me started on that oxymoron!). But they won't. They look for Mary in grilled cheese sammiches and on the sides of water towers and in underpasses. Now who is the fucking nutso?

....and THAT people is how you write a Monday Moaning!

As Lionel Hutz would say: "I rest my case!......What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. CASE CLOSED!"

MY FORTUNE

Here it is - fresh from a cookie I got during a chinese lunch provided by a vendor last week:

Now is the time to make circles with mints, do not haste any longer

WTF? I've been making parallelograms w/my mints. I am sooo f*cked.

IT STINKS

I was going to say how bad performance of The Marriage of Figaro was that we saw this weekend in.... West Virginia!!! Yes, opera comes to Charleston.

To back-up a bit, we actually went to WV to see the in-laws. Nothing against my family - but it is kind of refreshing to have everyone agree on politics. Not that all is talked about - but they can be discussed w/out deteriorating into irrational ideals based on .....well.......usually nothing. And it doesn't hurt that I really like Denton's family.

During this trip most of us attended the annual opera performance. Yes. 'the' one. Same time next year; Carmen. It was actually very well attended and in a really nice theatre. Some guy coming in w/us was a tux w/a gold bow tie and cummerbund. I overheard him saying it was their big night in from Elkin and they thought they'd make a show of it. I'm not even Gooooogling 'Elkin'.

To be honest, except for two operas that my sister and brother-in-law performed in, I've never sat through one. This one, to me, wasn't that good. The singing was in English w/lyrics still projected above. Not only was it annoying - it was necessary. Hell, w/the scrodeling, it may as well been in Italian. You couldn't understand their words anyway. And I don't find Mozart to be Puccini or Verdi. It just seemed tiresome at 3.5 hrs long!!!!! ...and the English speaking/singing parts made it sound more like Gilbert and Sullivan.

During intermission, the guy behind me was going on about Wagner's Ring cycle...and how long that was. Only he called it The Trilogy of the Rings. You know - the one where Gandalf does his big aria about 'you shall not pass!"?

SHOPPING w/BLOBBY

Yet another installment in the drudgery that is everyday shopping. The camera-phone makes it a bit more fun - though I get looks whenever I take pics of products. Like I care what people think!


....and no one says 'japanese cooking sauce' like the jews. Am I right, people???

EVALS

No - I'm not doing them still. But the fall-out still remains. It's just impossible to give everyone glowing reviews. It'd be so much easier (kind of) to give the evals and annual increases at the same time - really drive home the point, be it good or bad.

But we space these things out. By months. So, now I get to give increases to the staff, who most of have short term memories. I will get to relive their review w/them as they get their 2.5% adjustment. That's the average - not definitive to all of them.

I myself got 4.5%. I think that is the highest I have gotten in years. It was more like battle pay than earned it. But I did earn it. It's been a TOUGH year here. Not only financially - but the hurdles of starting a new area and the things and people that just didn't work out.

In reality - a start up department shouldn't have a positive contribution margin until year five. The expenses far outweigh the revenue. But w/some tight tight tight cost cutting and looking at every single invoice that comes through, we might actually pull off a profit. By end of fiscal/calendar year. Nothing major by any stretch of the imagination. But since we were budgeted to lose $500k - breaking even would be HUGE. A profit (even though technically we are not-for profit) is simply amazing.

Monday night I had the weirdest dream I've had in a long time. This has nothing to do w/anything, but thought I'd just record it for the hell of it.

Not that anyone calls me 'Bob', I feel the need to differentiate myself from my friend 'Bob' by putting some kind of descriptor on him. So, he's 'Chef Bob'. Guess what he does for a living? Go ahead.........guess.

So in the dream, Chef Bob, Rob Lowe and I are at dinner. Chef Bob, in the dream, is the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.....and in full military dress. Due to some message the three of us get up and walk through the very crowded restaurant to a waiting black Hummer (very clean, very shiny). The back door is open and I get in assuming Rob Lowe and Chef Bob are in the front. Only Chef Bob gets in - Rob Lowe is never to be seen again.

I feel odd, as if I'm being chauffeured around, but that passes quickly. We drive for awhile to Columbus, OH - but it only takes 20 minutes from wherever we were. In my mind, I'm thinking we were hours away and 'how did we get there so quickly??' - but we did. Before we arrived at our destination, we pass and african-american hitchhiker. I feel bad we passed him by, but looking back after the fact, he is just waving to us, as nice as can be.

At some point, Chef Bob is no longer in the picture and all the sudden I'm in what I'm guessing is downtown Lazarus (yes, I know it no longer exists). It's not really Lazarus, but looks more like Yankee Trader w/racks of clothes in it. People are there picking up their prom gear. For a brief moment I'm upstairs peeing and talking to Denton who is standing next to me. He's never to be seen again.

Switch to some party/reception kind of area that is more like a VFW hall. It seems to be for Chef Bob's brother who was injured during combat. This seems to be the reason we left the restaurant to drive down here. Chef Bob walks enters wearing civilian clothes and has greying hair - which he didn't have before. Though stoic, he is clearly upset. I walk over and tell him, "though I know you'll say 'nothing', let me know if there is anything I can do for you". He takes me up on my offer to get the convertible back to his house. Somehow I know what this means. I start trying to figure out now how he's going to get back.

I take from other info in the dream that CB's brother is only injured, but somehow has 100 flags at half-mast for him during his transport back home. While standing near a table of food, CB says he needs to write a note of thanks to Maureen Dowd. Two girls look at him and go 'really??' - as they clearly don't agree w/Dowd's liberal views. CB takes them to task about how intelligent Dowd is - and how right she has been. The girls cower away.

Then CB is sitting in a corner expounding on a bible reading either by or about St. Paul. I sit next to him and tell him he's never read the bible and barely ever been to church and how dare he go on and on about this crap.

Next thing I know, I'm dropping him off at his house......from a convertible.

HUG THE TARBABY???

I swear, only in the Bush administration could anyone, let alone the press secretary (and natch - former Fox newsman), get away w/using the phrase 'tarbaby'!

How did he get away w/it, you ask? I guess that is a question for the 'liberal press'! They clearly let him off the hook. It is practically buried in a CNN piece (it doesn't even appear in USAToday's similar story) about Tony Snow's first real day on the job, and his welling w/tears on recounting having had cancer.

Boo-fuckin'-hoo! I'm a cancer survivor and you don't see me weeping up about it. Of course, he has to take a swipe at a democratic blunder from almost 40 yrs ago by bringing up Muskie in the process.

But in the same press conference he uses the word 'tarbaby' - claiming 'american lore'. Even if - he has to be well versed enough to know that using the word in any context is just plain bad and wrong!

WE'RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE.....

You know, sometimes I really like Family Guy, but lately it's just been so-so. I appreciate it for it's cultural references (much more up to date than say The Simpsons), but rarely does the entire story work. I've been watching for the completely inappropriate joke between the plot - if there is one.

Last Sunday was a perfect example. I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time. You really have to wait 28 seconds into it for the true set-up.

LAURA BUSH IS A TWAT

Clearly the new WH chief of staff is trying to put a softer, more reliable face on their stupid fucking messages. Mrs. Shrub is making the rounds on anyone who'll put a camera in front of her. No one in the communication office wants to be reminded of the guy who holds the office who has a 29% approval rating.

But Laura's kinder-gentler message is just as offensive, if not moreso. I also have problems w/her interview/article:

1. I could care less what Laura Bush has to say. Ever.
2. I doubt Laura is any kind of political strategist. I bet she can't decide what to have for dinner
3. I love the fact that she doesn't think the issue of gay marriage should be used as a campaign tool - two years after it helped her husband and his cronies get re-elected
4. If #2 were true, #3 would never have happened

The only thing more repulsive, is Mary Cheney and her little media-go-round (for her book.) How does that dyke sleep at night???

MOTHER'S DAY

Today was Mother's Day - as most of you know. I did the right thing and take my mother (and father) to brunch. It was easier than coming up w/a present that she didn't need or want.

The thought was to ask some of my sisters to come, but the restaurant said we got the last 4-top and they had no additional room. To be honest, I didn't really want to coordinate that nightmare anyway. So, I didn't invite them - and then had to cop to taking my parents out and not including them. I don't think they cared but you never know.

The irony is: whomever schedules at the restaurant had it way wrong. We were only one of three tables. Upstairs only had four filled tables when we go there. When we left, we were the ONLY table downstairs. Upstairs was kind of full, but not entirely. They had major room - and I could have invited the family and let them sweat the details.

But it was a good meal....a good space....a nice view. And of course, I scored major 'good son points'.

lord o'THE RING

Ali (my boss) could not use his tickets to Wagner's The Ring w/out Words program and gave them to me to use. Two great tickets - at least for seating and accessibility. When you're a 'patron' you get the good parking access - and great seats. Lorin Maazel was supposed to conduct and it would have been fun to see him - but he was ill and they had some newbie do it. A hack, if you will.

We were entertained when he, what I call 'flitted' out to the podium. Denton even turned and said "that's a lot of Loafer Lightner!"

At first, the piece started out ok. I won't say it deteriorated horribly - they are all still talented musicians. Butttttttttttttt....it wasn't great. Can't say I'm a huge Wagner fan anyway - and let's face it, the only thing most people know of the Ring cycle is 'The Ride of the Vallkyries' (yawwwwwn).

I don't know a lot about classical music, but I know this much:

• Conductors shouldn't be so excitable that when they bounce up and come down you hear their shoes hit the floor......from 14 rows back!!
• Audiences shouldn't be so fucking quick to applaud at what they think is the end of the performance. It makes us look like hicks.

...and the problem w/the Ring is the same thing that was wrong w/Spielberg's AI. You think it's over. You want it to be over. And then it gets another ending. Then another. And then another. IT JUST WON'T END. (in truth it was only about 90 minutes long.)

On the way out I did see, in its own way, a great thing: a true music lover. In a reclining wheelchair...almost flat on their back w/a trach tube. All there to listen to music. It was something they had that they could do. Something they could love. Something they could appreciate.

So if the conductor was a hack or not, whether we applauded in the right place or not, or whether the piece was played well or not - it was beautiful to someone.

He's baaaaaaaaaaaack!

Denton that is. Back from his week in Tel Aviv. ...and better yet, he came bearing gifts. Actually last year he traveled so much, it was gift enough just to have him home for a weekend. But when he goes to Israel, it's always fun to get something a bit more cultural. You know - a trinket from Wilkes-Barre just isn't the same thing.

One thing he did get me is one thing I wanted: a new Israeli Defense Army t-shirt. My last one ripped upon first try-on.....due to my being 'big boned'. Ok......that's not true, but I'm not fat either! I'm NOT! Sizes are different there. I cop to needing (or even liking) XL t-shirts. But XL didn't cut it w/the last one. It was like an M at best. So this time he got me an XXL. If this doesn't fit, well, then I am just plain porky!

He also got me two David Broza cds. Je heart David Broza. For those who don't know him, he sings in Spanish, Hebrew and English - rarely on the same album (did I just say 'album'?). They are usually segregated to their specific markets. So these cds two are both in Hebrew. They are older disks too. Maybe 15 yrs old? I'm telling you - if you have a chance to catch him live - do it.

The last gift Denton claims is for me. It's a Hamsa Hand (or sometimes known as a Hamesh Hand - depending on Arabic or Hebrew culture). It provides protection from the Evil Eye....and I don't think we're talking about Sauron.

My theory is Denton got it for himself for protection from THE evil eye - who sometimes also goes as..............BLOBBY!!!

The picture isn't great, but it's a pretty piece...and it now hangs in our kitchen.

"THIS CALL MAY BE MONITORED FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE CONVENIENCE...."
G-d, how bad does it have to get before someone just cans this shmuck from the White House?

Furor over illegal wiretapping seemed to have vanished - as does almost any indignation that Bush puts us through. He's got the power to get people to forget. Or maybe it's just the short attention span of the undereducated american population.

The gov't has been buying kerjillions of call records from landlines and cellphones (personal and business lines) from phone companies. Three in particular: Verizon, AT&T and BellSouth. To be honest, I'm not sure if I'm more upset w/the gov't doing this w/out warrants, just cause, or lack of a soul - or the phone companies for selling out for something that had no court order, just cause or warrant.

Markeplace had a good story (more about the telecoms than anything) tonite - only one company had the gonads to tell the gov't 'no': Qwest. If we had Qwest service here, I'd change over in a second! Apparently the administration berated Qwest for being unpatriotic and then threatening them to pull any gov't contracts. ......so.....who exactly are the unpatriotic ones?

More than 3 to 1 in a CNN poll says that this NSA intrusion makes them feel 'creepy' as opposed to 'more secure'. (honest, 'creepy' was the choice.)

As always, the gov't, their agencies and their watch groups are completely at odds:

• Michael Hayden - up for CIA director says, "Everything that N.S.A. does is lawful and very carefully done." Did I mention he currently works for the NSA?
• Kate Martin, director of the Center for National Security Studies, said, "If they don't get a court order, it's a crime."
• Kennety Bass, former counsel for intelligence policy @ the Justice Department said "The concept of the N.S.A. having near-real-time access to information about every call made in the country is chilling....though probably not illegal"

No one is accountable. Executive-Legislative-Judicial. Remember these? Now they are just headers on areas in DC. They mean nothing.

Oh yeah - and this has been going on since 9/11, but the AG and the NSA says they were 'fully forthcoming'. ....um...........w/whom? If they were, wouldn't the public know about it say.....more than 4.5 yrs after it started?


oh yeah......and W thinks Jeb should be president. What? You didn't see THAT coming???

SITE OF THE MONTH

Rebecca supplied me w/a SOTM site, which I am archiving for a later date (sorry Becca!). This month I'm giving it up to another suggestion - from my big sis, Adrienne! She is the only one of my sisters who actually reads my blog..........oh wait..........she's the only one of my sisters who knows this blog even exists. ......that I know of...!!!

Anyhoooo....The New Yorker now has a Cartoon Caption Contest. In theory it sounds great - but I love their cartoons and always have. Let's face it - no one is getting The New Yorker pining for a new Steve Martin essay - are they???

Back to the contest......The pressure is too great to be funny. Sophisticated funny. You know - like my readers. Or like my readers claim to be - yet here they are, still reading my rants and drivel. .....so maybe there is no pressure.

btw....Ade's link goes pretty much nowhere. Feel free to goad her into actually blogging something. Heck, she went to the trouble of setting it up!

ROGER & ME

I rarely blog about work. But last night I attended a media event for (and at) my workplace. I should have known it'd be and odd evening when my name was missing from the guest list. They had to make one up for me. After s-p-e-l-l-I-n-g my name four times for the people at the desk, they still printed my badge incorrectly. I am now 'Roger'. People I've known for years, but interact w/infrequently said 'oh, I've always called you 'Robert' - I feel so silly'. All w/out a hint of humour. I'm keeping the badge forever. Or until I move out of my office or something.

The main event started out ok, but went a little over the top as media events tend to do. The lasers. The smoke. The exploding streamer canisters. If someone had given me some ecstasy it'd have been 1990 all over again. But w/out the crying jags the next day.

My favorite was Scott Hamilton as the emcee. And how he went on about how after getting testicular cancer he thought he'd never be able to have a child. I wasn't thinking that would have been his biggest obstacle to procreation. But at the end of the event, the CEO called Hamilton the most talented and courageous person he's ever met.

I guess 'talent' is subjective. That triple salchow (yes, I had to look it up) sure beats any painting or musical composition. But courageous? Because firefighters, policemen, or the men that the CEO served w/in Viet Nam are clearly wusses compared to a man who wears spandex, sequins and twirls on ice skates. Clearly I need to learn a thing or two about courage.

Oh yeah - and my fly was down for the entire event!

14

Our first born turns 14 today.

Yes, Kylie is an old gal. For a cat. In my way, she was a present for Denton's graduation in 1992. I didn't get him the cat - but the necessities for a cat. Bowls, boxes, toys, etc. She came home in a box that sat in a pharmacy for his entire shift. Her paw poking out from time to time. She's been his faithful companion ever since. She is not all that independent - and likes to be by her dads at most times.

Before we lived together (for a 2nd time) I'd go down a few times per week to play w/Kylie while Denton was at work. I'd make forts out of album covers for her to go into and swat at me - the intruder. I'd house-sit for him and have her attack my legs at night - as they were a game to her, since at least one leg moves constantly all night long. I saved her from a collapsed fireplace that got her white whites all sooty.

For a long time, she viewed me as a step-dad. Only after 5-6 years of living together did she actually come to me for pets or greet me when I got home from work. Neither of our cats are lap cats, so I'll never truly have that w/her.

If I want her, all I have to do is sing. Forget the can of Pounce! Break into any tune (usually made up lyrics w/her name in them) and she comes running. I find I can't even sing w/the stereo on, as it will get her up from sleep anywhere to come to me. Denton says it's b/c she likes my singing. I say she tries to distract me w/rubs and jumping to get me to shut up and focus on anything else.

She's endured 5 house moves (not including the one where she was born) and the addition of Tovah. The house moves went better - even though Tovah has been w/us for 12 yrs now.

btw....I know Kylie looks big - but she's only 9lbs. It's all that fur. Honest.

BIGGEST ACCOMPLISHMENT

Granted, I have no true concept of what it's really like to be President of the United States. I've seen The West Wing and The American President. Hell, I've even seen Dave. I'd always imagined the highlights of the job would be brokering peace accords, balancing the budget, saving Social Security or perhaps securing healthcare for all americans.

Imagine my surprise when it only comes down to rod and reel.

SPELL CHECK

I have always (ok, maybe since March 2003) amused/annoyed that Blogger.com's spell check hasn't been able to recognize the word that best describes the website's function.

SHOPPING w/BLOBBY

Yet another installment in the drudgery that is everyday shopping. The camera-phone makes it a bit more fun - though I get looks whenever I take pics of products. Like I care what people think!

Look - they forgot an 'o' !!!!!

FACE RECOGNITION

If Homeland Security uses the My Heritage face recognition program for known or suspected terrorists, we are in a heapin' mess o'trouble. Using 4 or so digital or scanned pictures of myself, I was ALLLLLLLL over the board w/whom I may resemble. Or who may resemble me.

• Let's run it down, shall we?

• Ricky Ponting was the winner (or would that be loser?)- coming up in 3 of the pics. (I Goooooogled him, apparently he is a cricket player)
• Val Kilmer came in twice
• Matthew Fox once (I'll take that)
• Howard Dean once (there are worse things)

Then it gets disturbing. Yes, more disturbing than Val !!!

• Uday Hussein !!
• Sadamn Hussein !!!!!!
• Khalil Gilbran
• Ritchie Valens (now I'm hispanic?)
• Penelope Cruz (now I'm hispanic and a woman??? swear to g-d. either I'm more feminine than I care to believe, or she's a dude!) ......then it goes
• Yao Ming and a slew of other asian men I don't recognize (note to self: stop squinting in pictures)

In one pic I put in was Morty and me. I'll give the software this - it picked up the two separate people. Trust me - Morty fared much better!

• George Clooney
• Billy Zane
• Matt Dillon
• Brad Pitt
• Andre Agassi

WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER

Truth be told, I'm not a big fan of Stephen Colbert. I thought he was great when he was a 'senior correspondent' on the Daily Show, but I have not taken to him when it's a full 30 minutes of his schtick on the Colbert Report. It becomes tedious and annoying. That's the great thing about the Daily Show - it's not all Jon Stewart all the time.

But I'll give Colbert this - he was funny as the 'moderator' (?) at the White House
Correspondents' dinner this last weekend. Here are some snippets of his 'routine':

• Wow. George W. Bush. To be this close to the man. I feel as if I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper. That may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face."
• I believe in this president. I know there are some polls out there that say this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality. Reality, that's a well known liberal bias."
• Colbert urged Bush to ignore his low approval ratings, saying they were based on reality, and reality has a well-known liberal bias.
• He attacked those in the press who claim that the shake-up at the White House was merely re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. This administration is soaring, not sinking, he said. If anything, they are re-arranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.
• Colbert told Bush he could end the problem of protests by retired generals by refusing to let them retire.
• Turning to the war, he declared, "I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."
• He noted former Ambassador Joseph Wilson in the crowd, just three tables away from Karl Rove, and that he had brought " Valerie Plame." Then, worried that he had named her, he corrected himself, as Bush aides might do, "Uh, I mean ... he brought Joseph Wilson's wife." He might have "dodged the bullet," he said, as prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald wasn't there.
• He advised the crowd, "if anybody needs anything at their tables, speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers and somebody from the N.S.A. will be right over with a cocktail. "
• Also lampooning the press, Colbert complained that he was surrounded by the liberal media who are destroying this country, except for Fox News. Fox believes in presenting both sides of the story the president side and the vice president side."

O.M.G.

Voting day!! What a fuckin' mess !!!

It was the first time I used my new polling place. It should have been my second time, but I forgot to re-register to vote w/new address. Since I have never missed a primary or general election I wasn't going to let a little thing like address change stop me from voting. I just drove to my old polling place. Sure, it's a little fraudulent, but nothing like what I fear is coming.

Yes, it was the first time (that I know of) Ohio used electronic voting machines. NIGHTMARE! (say like JoAnn Worley). As usual, I'm there at the crack of dawn - always the first or second person in line. Today I was second! Damnit Willie Chapman for beating me by a minute!!!

Ok - on the best day this process at this new place would have been glacial. Though I have yet to be at an election site where all the volunteers aren't octogenarians, these guys were especially slow and clueless. One looked downright mentally deficient. And Mr. Chapman was a quick as molasses going up a sandy hill.

The old site had maybe eight booths. This place had three. Well.....actually they had one. One working machine. Two either didn't work - or the volunteers didn't know how to set them up. They tried calling the Board of Elections, but no one answered. I only imagine this scenario was being repeated throughout every precinct, in every county, all over the state. YIPEEEEE.

When I finally did get to vote it seemed quick and painless. The machines were very intuitive and responded easily to touch.

Because of all the issues prior to implementing these machines, there is supposed to be a printed copy of your casted ballot. The machine prompts you to print each page. I can hear it printing, but I get and see nothing. I think you're supposed to. The volunteers had no idea.

Some other guy waiting to vote was amazed at all the problems ("well....ain't that a kick in the head!"). I was not. I more than anticipated these things.

There was an official Exit Poller in the room whom while I waited asked if, on my way out, I'd stop by. Sure. I'm all for (re)evaluating this process!

And stop by I did. Of course, I had to wait, b/c Mr. Chapman was s-l-o-w-l-y giving his answers. I'm sure they were the same questions - I mean, it was a pre-printed questionnaire, but the poller seemed stumped at my response that I didn't get a printed ballot to validate. There wasn't even a place on his sheet to mark that answer. I know Mr. Chapman didn't get one either - so why Mr. Poll-Taker was surprised that I didn't was beyond me.

The Exit Guy also axed if they could take contact me later for follow-up if needed. They asked Mr. Chapman too. But they asked me my email address and Mr. Chapman his phone number. Reeks a little of ageism.

The system is so fucked up and apparently easy to hack, is there anyway that most of these elections aren't going to be contested in the courts?

Oh - AND I didn't get an 'I Voted Today' sticker.

TIDE IS A-TURNIN'?

While the primary is tomorrow, it's just that - a primary. We'll select the lesser of two evils (hopefully) to face-off in November. The democratic candidate for governor is almost a sure thing - Ted Strickland. I can live w/him. Both the republicans are frightening!!! Kenneth Blackwell, who (almost) single-handedly gave Ohio to W (and who has Jeb's support!). And Jim Petro is just as sickeningly conservative-like as his opponent.

I don't like living what has become THE swing state. I don't like being the new Florida. And as Taft predicted (and I blogged on 08/31/04) we would be the new Florida in the 2004 election (eeeeek).

I always feel in the minority in this state - but it seems that others might be coming around to my way of thinking. "Heave-ho the status quo!" The eight years we've seen being republican run might soon be a thing of the past.

The Plain Dealer reports that our scary scary governor's race at this point might not be much of a race. A poll of 625 likely voters (first, I'm not convinced the 'n' is big enough or second, what determines a likely voter) - but here's how they break it down:

• In the republican race Blackwell leads Petro in a 50% to 29% of the voters respectively
• 41% say they prefer to see dems in the governors seat (compared to 28% for republicans). Taft has run Ohio into the ground. And we let him do it for two terms!
• 47% said they'd vote for Strickland in Nov over the 37% that has Blackwell's support
• In the Senate race - democrat Sherrod Brown is 11 point behind in the race to dethrone Mike DeWine. Though it seems like a big spread, the poll suggests DeWine is surviving on name recognition alone at this point

Hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel. And hopefully, it's not the train!

THE D-LIST

Last night we saw Kathy Griffin - live and in person. We've been fans of her cable specials and her 'reality' show, My Life on the D-List. We are not big reality show people. I've never seen an episode of Survivor, the Apprentice, Big Brother etc. Sure, I've seen some Real World - but who can't watch Puck like the on-coming train wreck barreling down the tracks?

The original plan was to go to Columbus and see her - but she was performing there on a Thursday and the issue of taking off work and traveling just seemed complicated. Not undoable. Well....yes....undoable b/c unbenounced to us, the show was already sold out. As my friend Diane would say, "the point was mute".

After perusing Griffin's site, I noticed she was coming to Cleveland two days after Columbus. Again, I fucked around deciding whether to go, blah blah blah - but we finally got tickets - two rows from the top in the balcony. Tom Green & Jack decided to go w/us. Really not a bad seat in the house. You could see and hear and it pretty much satisfied Jack's fear of not being called-out by a stand-up comedian. I never saw that as a worry as Griffin pretty much preys on the celebs. We don't quite fall into that category.

She was great. If you see her progression of stand-up specials she has really developed into a pro. Her first HBO special was almost painful to watch. She had no structure on how to end a bit. The material was still funny - but she's evolved quite a bit in how she performs and carries herself. Her Bravo specials are even funnier - even w/the bleeps. Clearly those shows cut a lot of her routine. Not just the 'bad words', but the length. Her TV specials are an hour w/commercials and she did a solid two hours w/us. ...btw...she has a new Bravo special on May 9th: Strong Black Woman

You automatically think no one is safe w/her - Oprah, Cruise, Celine, Secrest (sp?) all get skewered. But something you don't see on these shows is the political folks taking it. It would probably alienate the networks, but she went after Cheney and both George and Laura Bush. (I had no idea Laura killed someone when she was 18 after running a stop sign.)

The show was quite fun and she has no illusions on how her profession views her. But in a very limited role you should really check her out in the Madonna parody: Medusa: Dare to be Truthful.

Downtown was all a-bussle (is that a word?) which is rare for Cleveland. An evening Indians game (usually weekend are day games), shooting Spidermen 3 (ok, 2nd production team - no Tobey, no Kristin, no Doc Oc - just stunt doubles and a really crappy job of trying making Euclid Ave look like NYC. go figure), Kathy Griffin.....oh and Cleveland Leather Awareness Weekend (or lots of guys in faux uniforms and chaps - and the site is probably NSFW). The Cavs had the night off in the playoffs.

Afterwards was just some drinks w/the boys. Michael Carmichael (yes, it's his name) joined us after the Indians' loss. But Blobby can no long drink like he used to. Four drinks and I was ready for bed. Not that I could get a full night of sleep. Why should alcohol assist in me getting more than 5hrs of sleep?

RIDING

I feel like I have nothing to blog. I suppose I don't have to write every single day and maybe only should when I have an interesting item. But then, isn't it all relative?

I have been trying to ride daily and though been doing (in my estimation) well, I haven't been 100% successful. I had been until this week (yes, I know it's only week 3). But the boss is back from his conference, the weather turned sour (probably not a great excuse) and then Denton's bday.

The last two days I have gotten out. Maybe it's just coincidence, but the rides were hard. Not excessively long treks, but man did my legs really feel it. And I could not cut a break. No matter which direction I was headed, it was straight into the wind.

But I feel good doing it - and afterward. I haven't weighed myself, but it's really not about my weight. According to the charts, I am at the correct weight for my height. It might not be all in the right places, but I'm where I should be. This plan is to tone up what I do have - and to work on my cardio. Get my triglycerides and HDL where they are supposed to be (down and up respectively).

I have not broken the 20 mile ride yet this year. I'm shooting for tomorrow. I got close today, but je was tarred.

HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING???

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- President Bush on Thursday said he wants to raise fuel-efficiency standards on automobiles, as members of both parties jockeyed for political position on the issue of rising gas prices. Bush called on Congress to give him the authority to set the standards for passenger cars sold in the United States as a means of reducing the nation's demand for gasoline.

"I encourage them to give me that authority," Bush told reporters during a visit to a service station in Biloxi, Mississippi. "It's an authority I used for light trucks, and I intend to use it wisely if Congress will give me that authority.

I'm sorry - but after giving Shrub 'the authority' in regards to Afghanistan and Iraq, hasn't Congress learned the lesson not to give up all (or any) power to this chump? I'm sure whatever decisions he'd make would only benefit his oil friends.

My favorite part is that he 'intends to use it wisely'. There are so many things wrong w/that phrase on so many levels, it is actually funny!!!

SKEEEE-ARY

I swear, politics and politicians just get queerer and queererer. I'm forgoing my own state's political crap to focus on West Virginia. Why WV, you say? Two reasons. One is Robert Byrd is being challenged by what I consider a nut-job. The other reason is this 'nut job' sent a campaign letter to (now follow me here) a former tenant who lived in the garage apartment of the people who previously own our house.

Mind you this tenant hasn't lived there for at least 3yrs and no way to forward the letter. Sure, I may have broken federal law by opening someone else's mail, if you're going to nitpick - but to be fair, the envelope was not sealed. The other mail this past tenant gets are knife catalogues. Not your Wusthof knives - but the Crocodile Dundee kind of knives (disclaimer: I've seen clips, people.....never the movies!).

Ok - so this guy, Hiram Lewis has a four page (count 'em - FOUR) campaign letter. Nothing like beating a dead horse w/your bullet pointed information. Mind you Lewis has made an art out of editing Byrd's comments to make him look unpatriotic. The people who market movies could learn a thing or two on how to spin stuff from this guy. ("I haven't seen a movie like this in years!!!"....when the review probably went on to say "and I hope to never see one like it ever again!").

I don't even know how to convey how off the wall this guys seems. Believe it or not, I'm not engaged enough to scan and post it , but I think I can bullet point some of it myself.

• He doesn't like any politician (especially Byrd) who hasn't supported or even questioned the department of defense, the military in general or W.
• snippets of the letter have the words: Hitler, fancy taxpayer funded offices (one of which he wants), undermine's troops, Bush has done an amazing job, WV loves Bush, blah blah blah

Then there are the GOP strong-holds, which you know are coming:

• Life is sacred (read: repeal Roe v Wade)
• Marriage is between one man and one woman (does this mean divorce should be illegal? or just remarrying after you divorce?)
• NRA (he endorses them 100%!)

I love how he ties himself so closely to Shrub, who just two days ago in a CNN poll fell even further to only a 30% approval rating. Way to know your base there, Hiram!

With nothing better to do w/my time (clearly) I also Goooooogled him. There is a hysterical editorial from Huntington News. It's not just me who thinks he's a bit off-center.

...and yes, that is Hiram, sitting in Saddam's 'throne'. It was included in the mailing. HE is a hero!

BLURRING OF THE LINES

Bush Picks Fox Spokesman as Press Secretary.

...three posts in a day. Somebody stop me!

At what point does a news network become the literal mouthpiece of a presidential administration? Whatever it was - that juncture has been passed. Both Fox and W & co. have been shameless about their lovefest for each other. Now, they've seemingly gone to Massachusetts and tied the knot.

Say what you want about Fox, they've developed a Karl Rove-ish art to deflecting any reasoning or logic to anti-W (or even somewhat critical) policies and initiatives. They do it blatantly and are unrepentant.

If we thought Ari (and not so much Scott) were masters at turning the table(s) on White House correspondents, I don't think we've seen anything yet.

WHITE HOUSE EASTER EGG ROLL

Morty was kind enough to provide this historic moment to me. ...and it certainly made me laugh.

HAPPY 46th (no, not anniversary!)

There is a Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins song lyric I've recently heard that I just heart: "you are what you love....and not what loves you back".

If that's true, I'm pretty lucky: I'm a guy who loves a man w/2 cats.
If the second part of the lyric still holds the same conclusion.

CATCHING UP W/THE REST OF US


This last weekend, I watched Sean Wilentz on Hardball w/Chris Matthews discussing his Rolling Stone article on Bush 'possibly' (HA!) being the worst.president.ever. This is something we already knew!

Is this a shock to my readers? Je think not. Is it a shock to most half-educated american? Je think not. Is it a shock to the deep deep red states? Of course it is. First off, they don't know who Buchanan, Johnson, Harding or Hoover were anyway. Second, as Morty pointed out months ago, W could kill newborns with his own hands and still have their support.

Though the article is good - I somehow can't get over that it is from Rolling Stone. I'm being a snob. I expect an article like this (albeit a better written) in the Atlantic. This is Rolling Stone. I mean, there is not one mention of the Dave Matthews Band!

That being said, I love articles that include numbers and stats. Throw in the history and I'm hooked! Read the entire article. But for those who skim or think that this is a fluctuation due to a bad news cycle, I point out this from the piece:

Twelve percent of the historians polled -- nearly as many as those who rated Bush a success -- flatly called Bush the worst president in American history. And these figures were gathered before the debacles over Hurricane Katrina, Bush's role in the Valerie Plame leak affair and the deterioration of the situation in Iraq. Were the historians polled today, that figure would certainly be higher.

Though one could argue that the last sentence is suspect at best - it does stand to reason. And note - there is nothing about 'illegal wiretapping' there either.

That being said on Shrub - there are other GOPers in the toilet too. Like....um......oh.......Rick Santorum.


...and yes, I know the graphic included here is not Rolling Stone. I just like the mock-up of the Time cover.

GO FUCK YOURSELF FALLUJAH


Maybe my title header is only funny if you've seen Anchorman.

SHOPPING WITH BLOBBY

If I have to go to the grocery store, then you should share in the burden.

I do try to make it more fun by finding weird products that I can mock.

....and poor poor Dick Van Patten. I guess those residuals from Eight is Enough just didn't pan out. It makes one wonder how little Nicholas can support his drug habit.

C.I.A. Fires Senior Officer Over Leaks

By DAVID JOHNSTON and SCOTT SHANE
Published: April 22, 2006
WASHINGTON, April 21 Â? The Central Intelligence Agency has dismissed a senior career officer for disclosing classified information to reporters, including material for Pulitzer Prize-winning articles in The Washington Post about the agency's secret overseas prisons for terror suspects, intelligence officials said Friday.

Oh the irony!!! If it weren't so sad, it'd be laughable. But personally the woman should be getting some freedom medal.

Shrub should take a look at how the C.I.A. handled it and well.......I guess.......fire himself. You know for all the crap about the 'liberal media' - where are all the outraged stories, not so much that Bush declassified info on Plame to have Dick and Scooter get it out there - but to pretend like he knew nothing of it....until found out?? The fact that he put up the farce of 'if found out, he'll deal w/any leak'. Good l-rd!