Hallucinate

I'll take you on a small journey regarding a part of my mental health. 

In previous posts (ok, at least one), I referenced having Hypnagogic Hallucinations. 

I have them. A lot. 

Some days / weeks / months are better than others.

But they started a while ago and it took me almost a year to mention to my shrink, as I didn't know exactly how to explain them where they made sense. And because it made me sound crazy. And I was afraid I was.

I told him I knew I was awake and they almost all happened in the wee morning house. They were like a light show (most of the time) and lasted what seemed like 7-10 seconds each, but they were just continual until I'd finally get up. Mine weren't all light shows, some had people, places, scenarios. 

And somehow in those 7-10 seconds I back storied everything. It was exhausting. 

But the light shows were are all very Laser Floyd-ish.   .....or was Laser Floyd just something that happened in our Cleveland Planet-arium?

My psychiatrist put my mind at ease, giving it a name and telling me while it was considered a hallucination (which was the word I used to describe it - so yay for me for self-diagnosis), it was not due to, or indicative of, any psychosis. 

Oddly, I almost immediately felt better. 

If AI is to be believed, 70-80% of people experience these, usually when falling asleep. Mine are usually in the middle of the night. But make no mistake, these aren't dreams. I know I'm awake. I tell myself (internally) that I'm awake just to reassure myself I know 'this is happening'.

I should say 'told' myself. Past tense.  Oh, I still have the hallucinations, but now I lean into them, so to speak. I'm learning to co-exist with them and just let them ride. In a way, that has helped. 

Since they happen quickly, and there are so many of them, I almost never remember a single one, though I always think I will. 

.....until early morning yesterday. 

Technically, I don't remember anything about it - except two words. And you see them in the upper image. 

I literally reached over, got my phone, and wrote a memo with those two words - though I'm 99.9999% sure the first word isn't real. Then I tried to go back to sleep, but that didn't happen, so I started my NYT games instead.

I am aware that the volume and intensity of these hallucination happens during stress. I feel a lot of that with Minneapolis, ICE, the probability of ICE being sent to polling stations to intimidate voters to NOT show up, hoping the mid-terms won't be detrimental to the GOP.   So, they've been pretty constant lately. 

My doc asked about them at our Wednesday appointment. He didn't really respond when I said I was just trying to co-exist with them. At least I didn't get a negative reaction.  .....but there isn't really any solution to them. No medical or medicinal treatments. 

But there you have it - one aspect of my mental heath journey.

Song by: Dua Lipa