Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Ramblings of a Downtrodden Man

I'm just venting here and not really looking for comments. Who knows - I might eventually just delete the posting altogther ("I might just delete the posting").

I am in a funk. I cannot get myself out of it...not that I'm trying. Not that I really know how to either. Stuck in neutral.

Mostly it's my job. No shock to most working stiffs. It is not that the challenges aren't there, it is that I can't seem to overcome them. I'm not letting myself off the hook - but I clearly stepped into one bee's hive and knew it when I accepted. Oddly enough, the politics of that I can handle.

What I have trouble with is the feeling ineffective. Financially we are not successful and were expected to lose money this year, but I thought I could pull off a zero balance. Not going to happen. The politics involved going into 2nd year is tough - and the confluence of budget season and possible restructuring are going to overlap leaving me in a percarious position for 2006 fiscal year. If all does not flow in a timely manner (i.e. restructure after budgets are submitted) I will be held to that budget which I can never achieve.

Let's add to that I was just unceremoniously let go from my interm job too. It was to be an 18 mo gig (tops), so I shouldn't be upset. Completely political. Completely out of my hands. Completely not about me (or so says the CEO). But who the fuck feels good about being told 'you'll no longer be responsible for this'?

I compund it with being alone for 2wks and turning 42 (which I swear I don't care about since I probably shouldn't have lived past 30!).

..and you know...typing this all out doesn't really help.

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