You Just Haven't Earned it Yet, Baby

This last weekend was Cleveland Marathon weekend. 

Make no mistake, I did not do the marathon. I did sign up for one of their "challenge series", which is a combination of two races - mine being the 5K race on Saturday and the Half Marathon on Sunday. 

More than one running friend thought I should be doing the 10K and Half, and while it's just another 3.1 miles, I found the prospect to be potentially problematic. I felt I was already tempting fate running a short race before the longer one. People think running is inexpensive - but I can tell you that is untrue. 

Cleveland city streets - especially the side ones - are just in horrible condition. Especially after a very harsh winter. On both runs I found myself looking at the ground in front of me constantly, as to not trip (again), twist anything, break anything or fall (again). 

While I knew a ton of people from both running groups participating in the weekend events, I ran with none of them. Part of it was they either weren't in my corral (which are separated by expected running times) or I couldn't find them in my corral. Saturday (the 5K), semi-frequent race running partner, Joe, was in my corral, but not at my pace. He fell behind me well before the first mile - and then I was just on my own. 

Sunday - it was just me for the full 13.1. I mean there were 4,027 others, but no one near me that I knew. No one in which I exchanged any words to over the two hours. 

Bonus for me - I got record times for both races. Nothing by a wide margin, but at this stage of my running, records will be achieved by seconds, not minutes.  

As I was in the last quarter of the Half, I passed a cheer squad from the Old Man's Running Group. Afterwards I got a text that said I was flying. I felt at that point, it was anything but.  The first half of the race was effortless. But I am horrible at any self awareness when I'm running. I under or over estimate my posture, gait, stride - you name it. I have little concept of how I actually run. 

I just know I'm getting a little faster. 

I realized two other things this run: 

1. I might not want to run marathons any more. 

Halves might be my wheelhouse. In my last two half marathons, I was almost buoyant that I didn't have another 13.1 to go. I *think* I can do it physically. I'm not sure sure I can do it mentally - which is a huge part of the run. I know I'll probably change my mind at some point - even soon. 

2. I'm a competitive guy - and not in a good or possibly healthy way. 

There are those in my running groups who are way better than myself (duh!). I like them, but I don't compare myself to them on any level. Technically, save for the start, I don't even run with them. And the ones I bond most with are at my ability. It's not that I want them to do badly, I just want them to worse than myself. 

I think that is different than saying I want to do better than them. I don't think I have enough faith in my own abilities to say that, so I just hope they aren't as good as I am, regardless of my ability level. It's fucked up, I know. 

On the plus (?) side, of those 4-6 people in mind, I beat them all this weekend, but I didn't relish in it. Or feel good about me "winning". So maybe my abhorrent thoughts aren't really so bad. 

It's easy to say you're only competing against yourself, I just don't know how true that actually is. To a degree - sure. 

Right now, I have no other races slated for the year. I do know that will change. I'm guessing there is a July 4th race in my future. I think. And someone is trying to get me to run inside the Guardian stadium like I did last year, but I've committed to nothing. 

Global Running Day is coming up first week in June. As there is no cost to that, plus a t-shirt, I will most likely sign up for that. 

For the next few months, no actual training - nothing formalized anyway. The weekdays will be on my own and Saturdays are back to the Old Man's Running Group. I'll enjoy those 4-8 mile runs. .....follwed by chocolate cherry muffins. 

Song by: the Smiths

this is the song that was playing as I crossed the finish line. And the title seemed apropos.